The Dahlia Diaries Blog

Don't Carry the "Wrong" One: Healing your past to embrace the future

9/1/2023

Blog for the book, Wrong Vengeance (The Toxic Heart), from the Heartbreak Diaries Series

Without context, "move on" can be bad advice to some. Moving on in the sense of only "jumping back out there" can result in the same heartbreak, if you're still carrying bags of pain. In addition to getting hurt, you can inflict toxic behavior onto a new partner. Before getting into another relationship, it's best to ensure that you're healed OR is in the process of healing.

"You don't have to like it, you don't have to hide your feelings about it. But accept it."

There still may be moments of sadness and anger. However, making sure your heart is taken care of can prevent you from breaking someone else's.

Fully moving on with the implication of healing first can entail:

Processing what happened. How many times have we asked ourselves "Did that just happen? No!" Understanding what happened gives a clear view of what to do next and how you can turn it around for the better.

Acceptance. This goes along with processing feelings. After you have an understanding of the end, accept it. You don't have to like it, you don't have to hide your feelings about it. But accept it. Not accepting that it's time to let it go can result in delusions creeping in. Delusions can have you running back, chasing after something that has ended, and creating the illusion that the pain isn't that bad.

Express your true feelings. It's okay to say how you REALLY feel. You can be sad, confused, mad, or even feel foolish for caring about the wrong person. Express that to release those emotions and get you into the process of healing. Don't lie to yourself. Speak them aloud.

Mend your heart. Take care of yourself. Watch motivational videos, talk about it with your friends, etc. If needed there's nothing wrong with accessing your heartbreak with a professional. Find and use the tools/resources available to keep you moving forward healthily. Healing takes time. Don't be so quick to rush back into the dating pool to prove a point or to think that it'll erase how the past relationship made you feel.

Learning the lessons. Find out where you went wrong. What did you accept? What did you take for granted? What can you do different if faced with the same issue(s) in the future? If you got played...you got played. It happens. Look at the signs you missed and how you can spot them more clearly in the future. It's all about using the situation to propel you into a better life.

Finding ways for the heartbreak to make you better instead of bitter. Over time, the thought of certain causes of the pain won't cut as deep. With that, turn the perspective around. Instead of being angry, be grateful for the memories and the lessons. Being bitter only tears you down. It does NOTHING for the other party. Don't seek revenge (as much as it tempts you) as it only gives temporary relief. And can cause bigger issues down the road.

Staying busy. Try a new restaurant, catch a movie, and plan a shopping day for yourself. Be sure to pour into be that love you by catching up with friends and family. You can also release the stress of the breakup with a workout. Find a new hobby. Anything that will keep your mind from staying in the place of heartbreak.

Resisting the urge to look back. It's oh-so-tempting to hop online and search for your ex. Why? What gratification are we getting by looking at their lives? There's nothing you can do about them moving on so you watching it won't change the outcome. Falling down the rabbit hole of researching your ex, tortures you. What you discover may inflict more hurt and throw the healing process off course. Even if they reach out, remember the rough times and how hard you fought and still fighting to get over it.

And THEN, when you're ready, get back out there!

Wrong Vengeance book promo with sad black man and hands on his shoulder

In the book, Wrong Vengeance, Brandy took her past pain into a new relationship. Charles gave her everything she deserved and more. He came with a few flaws but none that she couldn't handle with a little patience and time. Throughout their relationship, Brandy morphed into her past, showing Charles a toxic side that he didn't sign up for. Will their love survive her pain?

About Wrong Vengeance
He Wanted to Love Her, She Wanted REVENGE!
Brandy's life has two sides: 1. Career, confidence, beauty, and brains. 2. Behind closed doors, there's a toxic being slowly draining her spirit. One night of emotional and physical abuse from her broken boyfriend killed her spirit. Although she escaped the bad relationship, a seed of pain was planted deep. Brandy unknowingly transformed into what hurt her.

Can true love cure a toxic heart?
Moving on with her life, she meets Charles, who is the total opposite of the love she left. However, fearing that her old life would resurface, she sends him on a whirlwind of complications, arguments, and toxic behaviors learned from the past. Charles vows to love Brandy through it all with his actions but, her bad habits can push him away for good.

How can one heal from trauma while trying to love again?

Don't have the book yet? Order your copy today! Available on MULTIPLE eBook platforms. Paperback copies exclusively available on Amazon!

BONUS! Get a sneak peek of Chapter 1: The Loitering Bachelor, from Wrong Vengeance HERE!

The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.

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Beat the Travel Day Slump

7/5/2023

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Ways to unwind after a rough travel day.
The worst part of a vacation is when it's over and you have to deal with the travel day. Unfortunately, more potential terror is waiting at the airport. Travel days can be exhausting, taking the last little bit of strength left just to get on a plane to go home.

Rushing to check out, ride share waits/prices, long lines, security checks, and even trying to find the gate. Imagine having the best island vacation only to have it end by having to sit and wait at the airport OR even worse on the plane. It can make one forget about all the great times in an instant.

Unfortunately, there's no way to escape airport woes (outside of the usual tips of getting there early). We're all human and inconveniences can turn a good mood into a bad one. However, with a little bit of focus, there are tricks to add to the first day home to tap back into that vacation mode.

After arriving home, only unpack your essentials. The rest can wait.

Here are ways to unwind after a vacation:
Exhale on the plane ride home. Finally time to board. Get in touch with the friendly skies by allowing the ride home to be a place for initial relaxation. After fighting through the wait, take a deep breath and start to dial back into the vacation. Watch a good movie or rest as best as you can. There's nothing that can change the terrible terminal experience. Just relax.

Hot shower/Hot bath. Cleanse the aggravation from you (along with the airport germs). Not only for sanitary purposes but the steam and hot water will help relax your mind and your body.

Rest. Take a nap OR go to bed for the night. There's nothing like reuniting with your own bed (even your comfortable couch) for a restful time. Resting stops the replay of the travel disruptions and clears the mind.

Self-care routine. Incorporate your own self-care routine after returning home. Just like clockwork, end the night with your usual wind down for the day. Add a little extra time than normal to REALLY pamper yourself.

Entertainment therapy. Entertainment can be key in taking a mental break from frustrations. Whether it's a comedy or romance, watching a good film can entertain you back to relaxation attained during the vacation.

Good meal/favorite snack. The perfect way to settle a bad day is with a favorite meal. Food is healing to many and sometimes the travel day would have been better if you didn't have to be "hangry" during the process.

Read a good book. For my book lovers, diving into a chapter or two is a great way to decompress from a rough journey. Travel down the road of a storyteller to release the brain from being upset over the travel day.

Don't forget the feeling/memories. Look at the pictures (add your favorite filters) and videos. You can even occupy your time making a reel (because everyone knows creating those is a task in itself). Turn it into a fun activity (with no pressure) that involves good memories.

Stay in vacation mode until it's time to tap back into reality.

Regardless of what you choose, pick an activity that takes your mind away from travel day stress. It happens, and it'll probably happen again. I guess it's the price we pay for wanting to see the world. Breathe and let it go. Turn the woes into a funny story.

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4 Reasons Why Aguadilla is Great for a Mental Health Vacation

5/3/2023

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My mind was cluttered…
Work was NOT working…
And the stress was stressed out…

Even being at home was frustrating. After a self-assessment, I concluded that I needed MORE than a mental break. I needed a mental vacation. To me, a mental vacation is traveling to a destination of peace. For this type of break, I didn’t require the flashy city and lively nightlife. All I craved was good scenery, snacks, and a quiet place to be still.

Thanks to my go-to airline offering direct flights, I ventured to Aguadilla, Puerto Rico. I picked this place because it’s in an area I’ve been to before, however, it was a new place to visit to release. The city receives a good number of tourists, however, it's not as popular as San Juan. This beautiful gem was just what I needed to get my mind back right.

Sunset at Punta Borinquen Beach

Fun Fact:
For those who don’t know, Aguadilla is located in the northwest area of the island. It's well known for its sunset views, Punta Borinquen Golf Club, and beaches.

After leaving this beautiful place, I felt so relaxed and at ease. Even the layover in another city due to bad weather didn’t bother me. Aguadilla did the trick. So, I’d like to share 4 reasons why I think Aguadilla, PR is one of the best places for a mental health vacation. Hopefully, this will inspire you to look for “100% Peace” on your next getaway.

1. Multiple Beach Options. Aguadilla has a coastline of beaches with beautiful views and a first-hand look at the well-known sunset. Each beach has a unique vibe, look, and feel with gorgeous waters flowing against the beach and rock formations. My favorite was Peña Blanca Beach. Driving there gives the illusion of a forestry area. Once parked, I looked over the small cliff and saw magic. The hidden space opened into a beautiful ocean with rock formations for peaceful meditation and a photo session.

Although this was a vacation for peace, I did find a little action at Crash Boat Beach. Still peaceful, however, they have water sports activities, vendors, and a DJ to keep the vacation mode flowing. Even while there, I found a peaceful area to continue the meditations and stillness.

2. The Perfect Place for a Release. The stress was wearing me down and I needed to get out of loud New York City to just RELEASE. I needed to breathe it out, cry it out, fuss it out, and lay out in the sun. Aguadilla has a calming and serene atmosphere. I couldn’t help but relax and soak in the tranquility. Even when I was hanging out on the couch at the Airbnb, I was at peace. It wasn’t the usual night at home where I’m thinking of a million things that I have to do.

meditation on the beach, e alexcina brown

Peña Blanca Beach

3. Views. Rock formations that look like abstract art, distant mountains, ocean waves in alluring blues, trees right out of a travel pamphlet, and sand complementing the ocean. All elements for a spectacle to capture with your mind and your camera.

A visit to Ruinas del Faro delivered a one-of-a-kind art show. This site surprised me with amazing graffiti art telling a million and one stories.

4. Beautiful Weather. The weather was perfect for any activity. I went out for a drive, went sightseeing, took a walk around the plaza, and of course the beach. Any activity on any day served great weather for me to relax my mind.

Crash Boat Beach

Aguadilla set the perfect tone for what I needed and that was a TRUE break. I love the ocean and this location was the perfect addition to the list. I left with a relaxed spirit and gratefulness. It even spilled over onto the following days of my returning home. The mental health vacation was a success!

Where’s your hidden gem for a relaxing vacation?

Photo credits: E. Alexcina Brown

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Refocus: Stepping Back to Bounce Back

8/2/2022

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refocus, black man, black man thinking, relaxing

Life’s going well, then all of a sudden…a disruption! An incident, unexpected bill, work stress, or a heartbreak. Anything can come along and throw you off course. I want to encourage you to take a beat and refocus. Refocusing gives room to flush out ill thoughts and anxiety. It also provides an opportunity to properly access the situation and learn from it.

Everything in life teaches us a lesson, especially the bad moments.

A great way to refocus is to take a step back. Breathe to calm down the mind. You can’t make clear decisions running off of the emotions caused by a rough time. Raging emotions signal the mind to rush into attempting to solve the problem. In most cases, it makes things worse. You don’t have to remain completely still while refocusing. Fill your time with activities that will rejuvenate and release the range of heightened emotions.

meditation, black couple, black couple meditating, meditation

What to do while refocusing
Self-Care: Of course, this has become one of many new buzzwords, but the need for it remains true. Self-care can be a highly neglected area in our lives as we chase dreams while being in survival mode. However, the refocusing style of self-care involves more than just a trip or a hot bubble bath. Focus on internal needs. What do YOU need to heal from the blow?

Take a Mental Break: Don’t think about it. Instead, breathe and heal. What happened or is happening can't be undone. You can’t change it. Having it swirl in your head will only bring you down internally, and it’ll then affect you physically. Why put such a burden on yourself? Make it a point to give yourself at least 24 hours of not thinking of what has thrown you off. Doing so clears your mind of clutter and allows you to approach the situation with the necessary clarity to tackle the problem.

couple on the beach, dancing on the beach, girlfriends, black couple

Do an activity that makes you happy: Whether it's listening to music or cooking your favorite meal. Creating a flow of small joyful things boosts your morale and energy. Sulking doesn’t fix anything, but you can help fix your mood by doing things that give you pleasure. It also takes your mind off things that you can’t change. Look towards increasing the happy moments in your days instead of writing it off as having a bad day/life. Remember, the small things make a BIG difference.

Workout: Hardcore exercising or yoga stretches takes your mind away into a productive place. When going through a hard time, all you want to do is forget about it. Working out challenges your mind and body pushing you.

Forget about the outside factors, others involved, or even the solution. Tap into what you need to move forward.

What NOT to do
Self-blame: Taking accountability and blaming yourself are on two different spectrums. You can own up to your mistakes or habits that may have led to an obstacle without beating yourself up.

React negatively: Sometime when we’re feeling down, we deem it as okay to keep going down the wrong path. But that’s not the case. Every day you wake up is another day to strive in being better at getting it right. Don’t fall victim to the “Well, I’m already down, can’t get worse…” FALSE…it could. No matter what you go through, things could always be worse. Don’t create more obstacles for yourself just because you think you’re down. Reset the tone and get back onto a positive track.

friends fighting, argument, disagreement

Replay it over and over: You were there. It occurred in your life. No need to re-live it over and over. I remember watching an interview with Tina Turner and the interviewer asked if she would watch her biopic “What’s Love Got to do With It”. She said she hopes she didn’t have to see it because she lived it. Take that approach, you lived it. No need to watch the movie playing in your head. Also, stay away from those who feel the need to bring it up every five seconds and remind you.

Think about “shoulda, coulda, woulda”: It happened. You can’t change it. There’s no point in thinking out scenarios where you could have done things differently. Play the cards you’re dealt, even if it’s a bad hand. Things arise in our lives (whether bad or good) for our growth and development. It’s what we do with what happened that matters the most. The past is gone, let it stay there and focus on moving forward.

Things happen and there’s nothing we can do about it. Just know when hard times arise, it's an opportunity to learn and grow for the better. Attacks come when you’re on your way to your best self. It's normal. Refocus, pick yourself back up!

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Dealing with the Big “B”: Burnout

5/17/2022

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Nothing to give, nothing to say, nothing to create. I’m drained!

burnout, overwhelmed, what to do when you're overwhelmed

A friend gave me great advice when things aren’t working out as you want, leave it alone. Don’t bother it, don’t touch it, don’t allow it to fester in your mind and spirit. There’s nothing left to do but allow things to organically come back together. And when the time is right, it does.

At times, I find it hard to constantly create ways to simply…create. I can’t concentrate, can’t think, and don’t have the normal drive to sit at the computer. And when I do, the ideas just won’t come. I feel sluggish and tired, only wanting to lay in bed. It’s not that I don’t want to be productive I just can’t get with it.

This is what I call burnout. It's more than having “writer’s block”. It’s a mental block, preventing me the ability to function at my full capacity. Time moves on and nothing happens. It becomes comfortable for me to “not do it”. Then it mentally takes a toll as I feel like I’m being lazy.

I love to write. I love to create. I want to work. But my mind and body just won’t allow it. When this moment arises, I have no choice but to step back and regain focus on my own time.

It can come from lack of sleep due to work and/or piling more on my plate to “keep up”. So, I want to share what I’ve learned during my moments of burning out.

Be honest with yourself about what you can/can’t handle. It’s okay!

How do you know you’re burnt out?
One minute you’re going full force, producing at a fast pace. Then the next…boom, it hits you. Sluggish feelings and frustration set in because you can't produce like you used to. The feelings are hard to control and come out of. You have no choice but to go with the motions of irregular patterns thrown into your regular work routine.

Whenever this feeling arises what can you do? First, it's best to identify what it is. Feeling the burnout can come in many forms. It can range from falling behind on personal and professional deadlines to staying in bed longer than the alarm clock(s). It can also show up in the physical form. Headaches, physical pains, tiredness, and even sickness.

workflow, drained, corporate life, black man working, african amerian man

Getting hit with these symptoms can make you feel as if you’re inactive. Self-doubt kicks in, bringing you further down into a bad spiral. Instead of piling more work and forcing it, recognize what is happening to you. Understanding that you’re going through the motions of burning out, helps in dealing with it.

When to leave things alone.
As you deal with the mental and physical changes from being burnt out, you must know when to leave the work alone. Allowing it to just create space to recharge. Taking time away from your project, job, or whatever that’s draining you helps in refocusing your purpose while getting the necessary energy back.

What if you’re not able to fully take time away? Peel a few layers off your tasks. Cutting back can be just as effective. Just as long as you’re not trying to operate at full speed while your energy is on empty.

When your cell phone or laptop battery is low what do you do? Charge it. You don’t put more work on it or curse it because it's lacking productivity.

What to do in the meantime.
While stepping away or cutting back, it's best to fill those spaces with activities to refuel. Remember, taking this time is meant to help YOU. Not to take on a new stressor or do for someone else. This is all about getting your mind and spirit back to a place where you’re operating on 100%. Here are a few examples of what to do:

Rest.
Take a vacation.
Watch movies you love.
Read books that will mentally take you away from what’s burning you out.
Spend time with loved ones.
Pamper yourself.
Exercise.
Work on those household projects you’ve been putting off.

Get ready for the abundance. Jump back in!
After you have taken that necessary time, your mind and body have a way of letting you know that it’s time to jump back in. You can also test the waters if you’re feeling antsy but don’t hesitate to pull back if you’re feeling overwhelmed again.

It tends to happen when you least expect it. All of a sudden, you feel better. The headaches are gone, and you feel like a new person. Once the burnout flows away from your recharging, you’ll tend to receive random overflows of ideas and creativity.

black woman, stretching, rejuvenated, rested, happy woman

You wake up one day on a full battery and you’re ready to go!

Burning out is normal. It doesn’t equate to a lack of productivity. You can’t escape it if you’re constantly working hard towards your goals. We’ve all been there. Don’t worry because it's only temporary, as long as you take care of yourself. Sooner than you think, you’ll be able to get back on the saddle operating better than ever!