The Dahlia Diaries Blog

Don't Carry the "Wrong" One: Healing your past to embrace the future

9/1/2023

Blog for the book, Wrong Vengeance (The Toxic Heart), from the Heartbreak Diaries Series

Without context, "move on" can be bad advice to some. Moving on in the sense of only "jumping back out there" can result in the same heartbreak, if you're still carrying bags of pain. In addition to getting hurt, you can inflict toxic behavior onto a new partner. Before getting into another relationship, it's best to ensure that you're healed OR is in the process of healing.

"You don't have to like it, you don't have to hide your feelings about it. But accept it."

There still may be moments of sadness and anger. However, making sure your heart is taken care of can prevent you from breaking someone else's.

Fully moving on with the implication of healing first can entail:

Processing what happened. How many times have we asked ourselves "Did that just happen? No!" Understanding what happened gives a clear view of what to do next and how you can turn it around for the better.

Acceptance. This goes along with processing feelings. After you have an understanding of the end, accept it. You don't have to like it, you don't have to hide your feelings about it. But accept it. Not accepting that it's time to let it go can result in delusions creeping in. Delusions can have you running back, chasing after something that has ended, and creating the illusion that the pain isn't that bad.

Express your true feelings. It's okay to say how you REALLY feel. You can be sad, confused, mad, or even feel foolish for caring about the wrong person. Express that to release those emotions and get you into the process of healing. Don't lie to yourself. Speak them aloud.

Mend your heart. Take care of yourself. Watch motivational videos, talk about it with your friends, etc. If needed there's nothing wrong with accessing your heartbreak with a professional. Find and use the tools/resources available to keep you moving forward healthily. Healing takes time. Don't be so quick to rush back into the dating pool to prove a point or to think that it'll erase how the past relationship made you feel.

Learning the lessons. Find out where you went wrong. What did you accept? What did you take for granted? What can you do different if faced with the same issue(s) in the future? If you got played...you got played. It happens. Look at the signs you missed and how you can spot them more clearly in the future. It's all about using the situation to propel you into a better life.

Finding ways for the heartbreak to make you better instead of bitter. Over time, the thought of certain causes of the pain won't cut as deep. With that, turn the perspective around. Instead of being angry, be grateful for the memories and the lessons. Being bitter only tears you down. It does NOTHING for the other party. Don't seek revenge (as much as it tempts you) as it only gives temporary relief. And can cause bigger issues down the road.

Staying busy. Try a new restaurant, catch a movie, and plan a shopping day for yourself. Be sure to pour into be that love you by catching up with friends and family. You can also release the stress of the breakup with a workout. Find a new hobby. Anything that will keep your mind from staying in the place of heartbreak.

Resisting the urge to look back. It's oh-so-tempting to hop online and search for your ex. Why? What gratification are we getting by looking at their lives? There's nothing you can do about them moving on so you watching it won't change the outcome. Falling down the rabbit hole of researching your ex, tortures you. What you discover may inflict more hurt and throw the healing process off course. Even if they reach out, remember the rough times and how hard you fought and still fighting to get over it.

And THEN, when you're ready, get back out there!

Wrong Vengeance book promo with sad black man and hands on his shoulder

In the book, Wrong Vengeance, Brandy took her past pain into a new relationship. Charles gave her everything she deserved and more. He came with a few flaws but none that she couldn't handle with a little patience and time. Throughout their relationship, Brandy morphed into her past, showing Charles a toxic side that he didn't sign up for. Will their love survive her pain?

About Wrong Vengeance
He Wanted to Love Her, She Wanted REVENGE!
Brandy's life has two sides: 1. Career, confidence, beauty, and brains. 2. Behind closed doors, there's a toxic being slowly draining her spirit. One night of emotional and physical abuse from her broken boyfriend killed her spirit. Although she escaped the bad relationship, a seed of pain was planted deep. Brandy unknowingly transformed into what hurt her.

Can true love cure a toxic heart?
Moving on with her life, she meets Charles, who is the total opposite of the love she left. However, fearing that her old life would resurface, she sends him on a whirlwind of complications, arguments, and toxic behaviors learned from the past. Charles vows to love Brandy through it all with his actions but, her bad habits can push him away for good.

How can one heal from trauma while trying to love again?

Don't have the book yet? Order your copy today! Available on MULTIPLE eBook platforms. Paperback copies exclusively available on Amazon!

BONUS! Get a sneak peek of Chapter 1: The Loitering Bachelor, from Wrong Vengeance HERE!

The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.

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Should We Wait to Tell Our Friends?

7/16/2023

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Finding the right time to say "I met someone new."

We all have them. We can be them sometimes. The overly excited type who will lead you down a road of dating/relationship possibilities. Meanwhile, all you need to do is just breathe and get to know the potential love interest. Most importantly, many have said that as soon as you brag to your friends, the almost relationship fails.

Scenario:
An open-hearted woman meets a nice guy on an app. They had great conversations, facetime calls, and texts throughout the day. The beginning stage was so promising that she was ready to tell her friends about this potential mate. Even though she was only about two weeks in.

All it took was her mentioning him and the friends took off with it. They gave date night ideas, had her on imaginary baecations, urged her to show them pics of him, and brought him up in casual conversations. One of the friends started planning double dates before she went out on a first date with the guy. They'd ask about him every time they spoke to her; asking questions she could barely answer. Only revealing that she still needed more time to get to know him. However, to her friends, it was as if she were in a monogamous relationship.

She and the guy were almost to the point of meeting up...And then the other shoe dropped. He revealed that he only wanted her for casual hookups although she was upfront about wanting a relationship. She was thrown and couldn't understand how someone could switch up so soon.

As she mourned the almost lover, she anticipated embarrassment. The next girl's night would entail explaining how he turned into Mr. Wrong. Which turned into upcoming weeks of asking if they'd talked, bashing him, and re-telling the story from their perspective. When all she wanted to do was forget about his existence.

Should she have kept it all to herself?

Your friends can't help themselves. They want to see you happy and in love. Which is a GREAT thing. But too much excitement too soon can lead to huge disappointments. Friends can sometimes lead down a road of fantasizing about dates, future plans, etc. It's hard to pull back once its starts and it can cloud judgment when vetting a potential partner.

Spilling the beans on a possible relationship is absolutely normal. Taking your friends along that journey can be helpful to some as they provide advice along the way. If you can handle the questions during and after it's over, then share on. It's hard to forget when you have to retract your feelings and statements about that person being so amazing. It's not a complete heartbreak to heal from, but definitely a big disappointment.

The benefit of waiting is that you don't have to worry about explaining and dwelling on it not working out. You can enjoy time with your friends and focus on creating memories with them. The only drawback is that when it's over, there's no one to vent to without having to explain everything from the top.

Ways to Calm it Down:

Set the tone. If you show up delusional they'll grab it and run. Be transparent in speaking about what it really is instead of what you hope it'll be. Let them know that you're taking it slow. It's not a big deal just yet.

Change the narrative from locked in too soon to dating and staying open.

Remind. Reiterate that you're just getting to know each other. Not ready for the major stuff yet. Try bringing up random guys you see and think are attractive to show you're still looking. Change the narrative from locked in too soon to dating and staying open.

Scale down the fantasy. Instead of talking about what you want in the long run, talk about what you want for the short term. What do you want to know about them? What do you like about them? What do you want them to know about you? Talk about each step of the way and how it's going for you instead of drawing a dramatic picture of the future.

Pause. One of the best options is to wait until you know for sure it is something worth pursuing before starting the "I've been seeing this guy/girl..." conversation. In the VERY beginning stages, we meet the "representative"; it feels promising. Give time for the shade to slowly fall.

Be honest. If you don't want to talk about it, let them know. They are your friends and will always understand.

It is okay to be excited about meeting someone new. But don't allow the excitement to overshadow the reality of the situation. The potential can lead you on faster than a partner.

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When You Know When to Leave…But You Don’t

2/11/2023

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Why Am I Holding On?

“…Lena Horne was a lady. And a lady always knows when to leave…”
My fav line from the movie “Madea’s Family Reunion”. In that case, Blair underwood wasn’t speaking to the great Lynn Whitfield’s character about a relationship. Somehow that line always sticks out to me in my own personal dating life…posing the question: Do we ever know when to leave? And once we know, why does it take long to act on it. Or better yet why does take pain to finally exit.

You can't put your finger on it, but you know something is wrong. Then, a sign appears; staring you dead in the face and still wanting to wait it out. At times, it’s okay to wait and see because things aren't always what they appear to be. Giving the benefit of the doubt never hurts.

But what about that gut feeling? The gut feeling unscrambles the truths that are half told. Connects the dots in the middle of the night, digging up the questions you should have asked. Laying the red flags on the table isn’t enough. You just can’t let that person go.

Many factors contribute to the lack of moving on when it’s time:

Love
Time investment
All a person knows
Loneliness
Settling
Insecure/Self-esteem issues
Fear of facing embarrassment
Clinging to the hope that things will get better

Deep down, we know better. We’ve been taught lessons both the soft (someone telling us OR watching someone go through it) and the hard way. But once you’re in it, there’s a force beyond what you know to be common sense. Beautiful words of what you want to hear deepen the connection; making it hard to untether yourself. Knowing that in the long run, there’s a slim chance that what you want and deserve is NOT coming from this person.

It doesn’t take much to find an excuse to stay. The nameless/faceless attraction will win over the list analysis. Leaving is a no-go all the while, your mind is screaming for you to get out before you get hurt.

Why Is It Important to Know When to Leave?
Safety reasons
To stop yourself from falling deeper into that is not real
You deserve to be treated better
Something better is out there even if there isn’t you’re better off alone

But There’s Still Hope…Right?
After complaints, you may even see small improvements to ensure you’re locked in. Giving second (and third) chances is normal. It shows that you’re willing to work on it instead of leaving at the first sign of conflict. It’s a great quality, however, those who give chances are often used. Hanging onto hope will have you overlooking warning sign after warning sign. Knowing when to let go of hope can be tricky. Who wants to return to the dating pool when all you had to do was give it time? But that time would be a waste. How can hope turn into what you want? The answer is complicated. If your partner isn’t willing to change and do better, that hope will only lead you to heartache.

In some cases, once there’s a hint of getting back comfortable, the red flags are back. Another confrontation arises again. It may end in an argument or you conceding to the fact that you’ll still be with this person although something just isn’t right.

Just a continuing cycle of finding out more and more things that should push you to leave. However, that HOPE will keep you hanging on to a thread.

But it's just dating, a relationship…You can ALWAYS walk away. Very true statement but one can’t just walk away until they are ready. You have to be ready to walk. Unfortunately, some cannot cut their losses and stop caring. There was a time investment. Even an investment in the fantasy world thinking of all the great things that could possibly come. If only, that person would just do right by you. If only…

We choose to stress and be distracted instead of being set free.
We are so scared of starting over, feeling like a failure ONCE AGAIN at love.
We aren’t tired enough of the behaviors and the effects they have

It takes a drastic change or a point of no return to realize who you were really dealing with.

I remember being sick in bed. My person at the time didn’t care about me being ill. They were only concerned with their wants. And if I didn’t agree, there was a back and forth adding more stress. Unnecessary stress. Looking back, I was grateful for being sick at the time because it gave me a reality check to put myself first. There I was in bed sick and I’m going back and forth, compromising, dimming my light for someone who couldn’t even ask “How are you feeling today?”. That was enough for me. Sometimes the “enough” comes at the most random times. But afterward, there’s a feeling of being set free and clarity. Then comes the regret and that constant question Why did I put up with this for months?

Hindsight is Always 20/20
The aftermath brings a bit of an exact account of what ACTUALLY happened during the relationship. When you’re in it, you’re operating from a place of not seeing past what you want. However, in reality, it’s not what it is. There’s nothing wrong with caring, loving, and giving someone a chance. But there comes a time when you have to step back and realize it isn’t going to end well.

How many times have you thought of an ex and said to yourself “I don’t know why I dealt with him/her. I should have BEEN left.” Why can’t this clarity come when you’re invested? It would be so nice to have a light switch that will cut off what you feel and understand where you stand with that person.

How to do Better Moving Forward
Start with putting YOU first. You must consider your wants, needs, and boundaries. Hold true to the deal breakers no matter how great you think they are. In the long run, you don’t want to feel as if you wasted time on someone who never had any intentions to be considerate of your needs.

There’s nothing wrong with cutting your losses. You tried. There’s no need to stay where you’re not receiving what you deserve. Life’s too short to be miserable. Might as well start a fresh chapter by cutting ties with what’s mentality weighing you down.

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The Traditional Man vs. The Adventurous Woman

4/25/2021

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Inspired by the book, Devastation or Destiny??? (The Settled Heart), from the Heartbreak Diaries Series

black man, black and white photography, beard gang, professional man

Women are charged to “take whatever they can get” because of the myth that there’s not a lot of good men out there. That myth is FALSE! But what is true is that more than often, the good men aren’t paired with good women. Recipe for disaster in the end. However, not all relationships end because of infidelity and mind games. Some matches aren’t simply compatible with each other, and that’s okay. Whether its lifestyle choices, goals, and different views on how relationships operate, if it won’t fit in the long run, its best to know up front. But…there’s always that question of What if…?

“He fits my heart, but doesn’t fit my life…”

black woman, arms open, vacation, adventurous woman

Scenario: You meet a guy, he says the right things, takes you on the perfect dates, engages in the most substance filled conversations. And on the other hand, he’s not into traveling, a strict homebody, and has traditional views on a woman’s place in the world. Now, if you love this, he’s the guy for you. What if you meet this type of guy and you’re the total opposite? You crave the adventure; you travel a lot for work; and is adapted to a more modernized version of women in the world. How do you continue the relationship without losing yourself? Do you let it go without feeling the pressure of living the rest of your life alone? Is there even room for compromise?

A similar scenario was outlined in a few episodes of Girlfriends. Darnell was a good, hard-working man but he was happy where he was. Mya, on the other hand, was introduced to a different type of life which consisted of her going back to school to enhance her career, shopping at more expensive places, and living in another area (just to name a few). Overtime, influenced by her circle, she grew into being the opposite of him. Granted they’d been together since their teenage years. This ultimately resulted in the demise of their marriage. Now, the silver lining was that after a few years, they found their way back to each other.

Girlfriends, popsugar, maya wilkes, darnell wilkes, khalil kain, golden brooke,

Image Source: Everett Collection

As we all know, life isn’t a sitcom, and these days, when it’s over, it over! Communication extends to adamantly demanding what you want/what you don’t want, forgetting about the potential growth of love, then moving on to the next. Which is not always a bad thing. Verbalizing your wants and needs out of life is a great way to prevent wasting time. However, some may always think about the road not taken.

I’ve had this fear of my own. Thinking I’d wake up one day in a great relationship yet unhappy because I’ve compromised way too much of myself to be in love. It appears that certain types of women have to choose between love and lifestyle. Why is that so? Why is it difficult to simply find your equal? Is there an unspoken choice to make between loving yourself and loving another?

“Maybe if I stick around, the tradeoff won’t be that bad…”

black couple, wedding day, weddings, african american wedding, couple

In the book Devastation or Destiny???, Tanya didn’t leave after knowing that Kenneth was a “Traditional Man” while she preferred more adventure in her life. The love was way too great to let go. But was it really love or a sense of a controlling nature to mold her into his perfect idea of a woman? She found herself constantly contemplating and questioning whether or not her decision to live in a place where she didn’t want to call home. Along with him wanting to change her outlook on what married life should look like. All of this eventually resulted in the “Devastation”. The regret, heartbreak, and time invested into the relationship could have been avoided by her not giving in to his “rules”. Though in her eyes, the end of their love would yield greater pain compare to giving up the life she wanted.

Over time, some relationships have evolved and both partners were able to grow together. Unfortunately, this isn’t a perfect world and often adults are stuck in their ways and a few of the aforementioned items are non-negotiable. The great dates, conversations, and time-spent are distant memories and someone is thrown back to the drawing board.

No matter the choices made, the great thing about life, it’ll always work out for your benefit. Just keep living and loving yourself unapologetically.

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Comment your thoughts below, and find out how “The Settled Heart” heals in the emotional romance story, “Devastation or Destiny???”
Available NOW!

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Moral Compass broken

12/1/2020

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Walking away because it’s the right thing to do or staying with a forbidden love that feels so right.

Blog inspired by the book, The Perfect Sin (The Selfish Heart), from the Heartbreak Diaries Series

When I was young, I learned that forbidden actions yield bad consequences. As I grew older, I found through experience that although doing wrong…is wrong; it could give great pleasure in certain circumstances. Whether or not that pleasure lasted, depended on the situation. But looking back on certain decisions, I can honestly say: “It wasn’t all bad.” When dealing with the matters of the heart, loving someone who may seem like that “wrong person” but right in your heart can result in conflicted feelings.

How can something that feels so good, causes you to hide it from the world?
On paper, it's all bad. He can’t be touched, it isn’t right. He belongs to someone else. Why won’t he just leave if he’s unhappy, then focus on building with you? That would be easy, but when you fall fast and hard, it can be impossible to abruptly stop. Then there’s the million-dollar question of, Will he do that to you one day? In your mind, you have all the right answers…

…but in your heart, it’s the fire that keeps it pumping. The touch that makes you come alive, and happiness one would never think of gaining. You know it’s real, but you’re afraid to tell anyone because in moral terms it's wrong to be in his company.

So, it has to stay in secret. You’re in love and you want to shout it to the world, but there will be loads of backlash and judgment will be ready to come your way. Feeling this way doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person, but it’ll be hard to shake that reputation with your good acts moving forward. You’re living in it daily; toggling with what’s morally right and wrong. All the while fighting the urge to simply stay away.

What kind of love is this?
It’s a selfish love with the unintentional pain pushed onto an innocent party. It turns into Love and War. A war that may end in a heart casualty. Knowing that someone is at risk of being alone and heartbroken should be enough to walk away. But why deprive your own heart just to please someone you don’t even know? A few may say the right thing should be done out of respect, besides, because karma knows all of our addresses. But when happiness and real love are involved, those instances are moved further away from your mind; killing the moral fibers. The heart is released and a great love affair commences. You soon give in, understanding that you too, deserve the romantic love.

Is There A Cure?
The cure for the entanglement of whether to go with your heart or your mind isn’t always easy. It’s a big risk as in either case, you could end up alone. The karma may come causing a massive heartbreak OR you walk away knowing you’ve done the right thing but spending lonely nights wondering what could have been.

Unpopular Opinion
These thoughts are honest and vulnerable. As irresponsible as they may sound, people deal with these mental conflicts more often than they’d like to admit. It's best to find a safe space to sort out these feelings and make the best decision for yourself. You don’t want to look back and regret going down an unknown road that leads to pain. How to deal? It's up to you. This is a non-judgment zone.

The Perfect Sin book, by The Blakk Dahlia

The Selfish Heart
In the book, The Perfect Sin, Jennifer is faced with a conundrum. Meeting the man of her dreams who just happens to be attached. All of the good ones are. However, she finds that the love she has for him is equally reciprocated. Falling in love with an “untouchable” man can be quite costly. And throughout the story, she’s faced with the price and the questions of if it’s worth the “sin”.

About The Perfect Sin
Jennifer's life was on the brink of gaining full control in all areas until a series of losses, (job, livelihood, love, independence) threw her into a downward spiral. Climbing her way back up, she meets "him". Darren appears to have his eye on career and family only, but Jennifer wants his focus on her. It was innocent in the beginning, but a sinister force draws her to a man that is not available. He doesn't resist, equally giving into the force, slowly pulling them into a love that was not supposed to happen.