The Dahlia Diaries Blog

Should We Wait to Tell Our Friends?

7/16/2023

Finding the right time to say "I met someone new."

We all have them. We can be them sometimes. The overly excited type who will lead you down a road of dating/relationship possibilities. Meanwhile, all you need to do is just breathe and get to know the potential love interest. Most importantly, many have said that as soon as you brag to your friends, the almost relationship fails.

Scenario:
An open-hearted woman meets a nice guy on an app. They had great conversations, facetime calls, and texts throughout the day. The beginning stage was so promising that she was ready to tell her friends about this potential mate. Even though she was only about two weeks in.

All it took was her mentioning him and the friends took off with it. They gave date night ideas, had her on imaginary baecations, urged her to show them pics of him, and brought him up in casual conversations. One of the friends started planning double dates before she went out on a first date with the guy. They'd ask about him every time they spoke to her; asking questions she could barely answer. Only revealing that she still needed more time to get to know him. However, to her friends, it was as if she were in a monogamous relationship.

She and the guy were almost to the point of meeting up...And then the other shoe dropped. He revealed that he only wanted her for casual hookups although she was upfront about wanting a relationship. She was thrown and couldn't understand how someone could switch up so soon.

As she mourned the almost lover, she anticipated embarrassment. The next girl's night would entail explaining how he turned into Mr. Wrong. Which turned into upcoming weeks of asking if they'd talked, bashing him, and re-telling the story from their perspective. When all she wanted to do was forget about his existence.

Should she have kept it all to herself?

Your friends can't help themselves. They want to see you happy and in love. Which is a GREAT thing. But too much excitement too soon can lead to huge disappointments. Friends can sometimes lead down a road of fantasizing about dates, future plans, etc. It's hard to pull back once its starts and it can cloud judgment when vetting a potential partner.

Spilling the beans on a possible relationship is absolutely normal. Taking your friends along that journey can be helpful to some as they provide advice along the way. If you can handle the questions during and after it's over, then share on. It's hard to forget when you have to retract your feelings and statements about that person being so amazing. It's not a complete heartbreak to heal from, but definitely a big disappointment.

The benefit of waiting is that you don't have to worry about explaining and dwelling on it not working out. You can enjoy time with your friends and focus on creating memories with them. The only drawback is that when it's over, there's no one to vent to without having to explain everything from the top.

Ways to Calm it Down:

Set the tone. If you show up delusional they'll grab it and run. Be transparent in speaking about what it really is instead of what you hope it'll be. Let them know that you're taking it slow. It's not a big deal just yet.

Change the narrative from locked in too soon to dating and staying open.

Remind. Reiterate that you're just getting to know each other. Not ready for the major stuff yet. Try bringing up random guys you see and think are attractive to show you're still looking. Change the narrative from locked in too soon to dating and staying open.

Scale down the fantasy. Instead of talking about what you want in the long run, talk about what you want for the short term. What do you want to know about them? What do you like about them? What do you want them to know about you? Talk about each step of the way and how it's going for you instead of drawing a dramatic picture of the future.

Pause. One of the best options is to wait until you know for sure it is something worth pursuing before starting the "I've been seeing this guy/girl..." conversation. In the VERY beginning stages, we meet the "representative"; it feels promising. Give time for the shade to slowly fall.

Be honest. If you don't want to talk about it, let them know. They are your friends and will always understand.

It is okay to be excited about meeting someone new. But don't allow the excitement to overshadow the reality of the situation. The potential can lead you on faster than a partner.

The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.

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Beat the Travel Day Slump

7/5/2023

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Ways to unwind after a rough travel day.
The worst part of a vacation is when it's over and you have to deal with the travel day. Unfortunately, more potential terror is waiting at the airport. Travel days can be exhausting, taking the last little bit of strength left just to get on a plane to go home.

Rushing to check out, ride share waits/prices, long lines, security checks, and even trying to find the gate. Imagine having the best island vacation only to have it end by having to sit and wait at the airport OR even worse on the plane. It can make one forget about all the great times in an instant.

Unfortunately, there's no way to escape airport woes (outside of the usual tips of getting there early). We're all human and inconveniences can turn a good mood into a bad one. However, with a little bit of focus, there are tricks to add to the first day home to tap back into that vacation mode.

After arriving home, only unpack your essentials. The rest can wait.

Here are ways to unwind after a vacation:
Exhale on the plane ride home. Finally time to board. Get in touch with the friendly skies by allowing the ride home to be a place for initial relaxation. After fighting through the wait, take a deep breath and start to dial back into the vacation. Watch a good movie or rest as best as you can. There's nothing that can change the terrible terminal experience. Just relax.

Hot shower/Hot bath. Cleanse the aggravation from you (along with the airport germs). Not only for sanitary purposes but the steam and hot water will help relax your mind and your body.

Rest. Take a nap OR go to bed for the night. There's nothing like reuniting with your own bed (even your comfortable couch) for a restful time. Resting stops the replay of the travel disruptions and clears the mind.

Self-care routine. Incorporate your own self-care routine after returning home. Just like clockwork, end the night with your usual wind down for the day. Add a little extra time than normal to REALLY pamper yourself.

Entertainment therapy. Entertainment can be key in taking a mental break from frustrations. Whether it's a comedy or romance, watching a good film can entertain you back to relaxation attained during the vacation.

Good meal/favorite snack. The perfect way to settle a bad day is with a favorite meal. Food is healing to many and sometimes the travel day would have been better if you didn't have to be "hangry" during the process.

Read a good book. For my book lovers, diving into a chapter or two is a great way to decompress from a rough journey. Travel down the road of a storyteller to release the brain from being upset over the travel day.

Don't forget the feeling/memories. Look at the pictures (add your favorite filters) and videos. You can even occupy your time making a reel (because everyone knows creating those is a task in itself). Turn it into a fun activity (with no pressure) that involves good memories.

Stay in vacation mode until it's time to tap back into reality.

Regardless of what you choose, pick an activity that takes your mind away from travel day stress. It happens, and it'll probably happen again. I guess it's the price we pay for wanting to see the world. Breathe and let it go. Turn the woes into a funny story.

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4 Reasons Why Aguadilla is Great for a Mental Health Vacation

5/3/2023

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My mind was cluttered…
Work was NOT working…
And the stress was stressed out…

Even being at home was frustrating. After a self-assessment, I concluded that I needed MORE than a mental break. I needed a mental vacation. To me, a mental vacation is traveling to a destination of peace. For this type of break, I didn’t require the flashy city and lively nightlife. All I craved was good scenery, snacks, and a quiet place to be still.

Thanks to my go-to airline offering direct flights, I ventured to Aguadilla, Puerto Rico. I picked this place because it’s in an area I’ve been to before, however, it was a new place to visit to release. The city receives a good number of tourists, however, it's not as popular as San Juan. This beautiful gem was just what I needed to get my mind back right.

Sunset at Punta Borinquen Beach

Fun Fact:
For those who don’t know, Aguadilla is located in the northwest area of the island. It's well known for its sunset views, Punta Borinquen Golf Club, and beaches.

After leaving this beautiful place, I felt so relaxed and at ease. Even the layover in another city due to bad weather didn’t bother me. Aguadilla did the trick. So, I’d like to share 4 reasons why I think Aguadilla, PR is one of the best places for a mental health vacation. Hopefully, this will inspire you to look for “100% Peace” on your next getaway.

1. Multiple Beach Options. Aguadilla has a coastline of beaches with beautiful views and a first-hand look at the well-known sunset. Each beach has a unique vibe, look, and feel with gorgeous waters flowing against the beach and rock formations. My favorite was Peña Blanca Beach. Driving there gives the illusion of a forestry area. Once parked, I looked over the small cliff and saw magic. The hidden space opened into a beautiful ocean with rock formations for peaceful meditation and a photo session.

Although this was a vacation for peace, I did find a little action at Crash Boat Beach. Still peaceful, however, they have water sports activities, vendors, and a DJ to keep the vacation mode flowing. Even while there, I found a peaceful area to continue the meditations and stillness.

2. The Perfect Place for a Release. The stress was wearing me down and I needed to get out of loud New York City to just RELEASE. I needed to breathe it out, cry it out, fuss it out, and lay out in the sun. Aguadilla has a calming and serene atmosphere. I couldn’t help but relax and soak in the tranquility. Even when I was hanging out on the couch at the Airbnb, I was at peace. It wasn’t the usual night at home where I’m thinking of a million things that I have to do.

meditation on the beach, e alexcina brown

Peña Blanca Beach

3. Views. Rock formations that look like abstract art, distant mountains, ocean waves in alluring blues, trees right out of a travel pamphlet, and sand complementing the ocean. All elements for a spectacle to capture with your mind and your camera.

A visit to Ruinas del Faro delivered a one-of-a-kind art show. This site surprised me with amazing graffiti art telling a million and one stories.

4. Beautiful Weather. The weather was perfect for any activity. I went out for a drive, went sightseeing, took a walk around the plaza, and of course the beach. Any activity on any day served great weather for me to relax my mind.

Crash Boat Beach

Aguadilla set the perfect tone for what I needed and that was a TRUE break. I love the ocean and this location was the perfect addition to the list. I left with a relaxed spirit and gratefulness. It even spilled over onto the following days of my returning home. The mental health vacation was a success!

Where’s your hidden gem for a relaxing vacation?

Photo credits: E. Alexcina Brown

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When You Know When to Leave…But You Don’t

2/11/2023

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Why Am I Holding On?

“…Lena Horne was a lady. And a lady always knows when to leave…”
My fav line from the movie “Madea’s Family Reunion”. In that case, Blair underwood wasn’t speaking to the great Lynn Whitfield’s character about a relationship. Somehow that line always sticks out to me in my own personal dating life…posing the question: Do we ever know when to leave? And once we know, why does it take long to act on it. Or better yet why does take pain to finally exit.

You can't put your finger on it, but you know something is wrong. Then, a sign appears; staring you dead in the face and still wanting to wait it out. At times, it’s okay to wait and see because things aren't always what they appear to be. Giving the benefit of the doubt never hurts.

But what about that gut feeling? The gut feeling unscrambles the truths that are half told. Connects the dots in the middle of the night, digging up the questions you should have asked. Laying the red flags on the table isn’t enough. You just can’t let that person go.

Many factors contribute to the lack of moving on when it’s time:

Love
Time investment
All a person knows
Loneliness
Settling
Insecure/Self-esteem issues
Fear of facing embarrassment
Clinging to the hope that things will get better

Deep down, we know better. We’ve been taught lessons both the soft (someone telling us OR watching someone go through it) and the hard way. But once you’re in it, there’s a force beyond what you know to be common sense. Beautiful words of what you want to hear deepen the connection; making it hard to untether yourself. Knowing that in the long run, there’s a slim chance that what you want and deserve is NOT coming from this person.

It doesn’t take much to find an excuse to stay. The nameless/faceless attraction will win over the list analysis. Leaving is a no-go all the while, your mind is screaming for you to get out before you get hurt.

Why Is It Important to Know When to Leave?
Safety reasons
To stop yourself from falling deeper into that is not real
You deserve to be treated better
Something better is out there even if there isn’t you’re better off alone

But There’s Still Hope…Right?
After complaints, you may even see small improvements to ensure you’re locked in. Giving second (and third) chances is normal. It shows that you’re willing to work on it instead of leaving at the first sign of conflict. It’s a great quality, however, those who give chances are often used. Hanging onto hope will have you overlooking warning sign after warning sign. Knowing when to let go of hope can be tricky. Who wants to return to the dating pool when all you had to do was give it time? But that time would be a waste. How can hope turn into what you want? The answer is complicated. If your partner isn’t willing to change and do better, that hope will only lead you to heartache.

In some cases, once there’s a hint of getting back comfortable, the red flags are back. Another confrontation arises again. It may end in an argument or you conceding to the fact that you’ll still be with this person although something just isn’t right.

Just a continuing cycle of finding out more and more things that should push you to leave. However, that HOPE will keep you hanging on to a thread.

But it's just dating, a relationship…You can ALWAYS walk away. Very true statement but one can’t just walk away until they are ready. You have to be ready to walk. Unfortunately, some cannot cut their losses and stop caring. There was a time investment. Even an investment in the fantasy world thinking of all the great things that could possibly come. If only, that person would just do right by you. If only…

We choose to stress and be distracted instead of being set free.
We are so scared of starting over, feeling like a failure ONCE AGAIN at love.
We aren’t tired enough of the behaviors and the effects they have

It takes a drastic change or a point of no return to realize who you were really dealing with.

I remember being sick in bed. My person at the time didn’t care about me being ill. They were only concerned with their wants. And if I didn’t agree, there was a back and forth adding more stress. Unnecessary stress. Looking back, I was grateful for being sick at the time because it gave me a reality check to put myself first. There I was in bed sick and I’m going back and forth, compromising, dimming my light for someone who couldn’t even ask “How are you feeling today?”. That was enough for me. Sometimes the “enough” comes at the most random times. But afterward, there’s a feeling of being set free and clarity. Then comes the regret and that constant question Why did I put up with this for months?

Hindsight is Always 20/20
The aftermath brings a bit of an exact account of what ACTUALLY happened during the relationship. When you’re in it, you’re operating from a place of not seeing past what you want. However, in reality, it’s not what it is. There’s nothing wrong with caring, loving, and giving someone a chance. But there comes a time when you have to step back and realize it isn’t going to end well.

How many times have you thought of an ex and said to yourself “I don’t know why I dealt with him/her. I should have BEEN left.” Why can’t this clarity come when you’re invested? It would be so nice to have a light switch that will cut off what you feel and understand where you stand with that person.

How to do Better Moving Forward
Start with putting YOU first. You must consider your wants, needs, and boundaries. Hold true to the deal breakers no matter how great you think they are. In the long run, you don’t want to feel as if you wasted time on someone who never had any intentions to be considerate of your needs.

There’s nothing wrong with cutting your losses. You tried. There’s no need to stay where you’re not receiving what you deserve. Life’s too short to be miserable. Might as well start a fresh chapter by cutting ties with what’s mentality weighing you down.

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End of the Year Blues

12/28/2022

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It’s okay to be down, but don’t stay there…
Counting down to a new year is exciting, fun, and motivational to say the least. However, there are those moments when somber thoughts arise. While everyone is gearing up for entertainment and parties, you may not be in the mood to be festive. You may want to be alone, or you’re mentally sitting through the past 11 months wishing you could turn back time. It's perfectly normal to not always feel happy about the clock striking midnight.

"With these mental tests, it's best to get in motion and practice gratitude for the things that did go right."

A year can make a big difference. In both good and bad ways. Welcoming new life, a new job, an increase in finances, or a big experience can have one beaming and ready to elevate to more. On the flip side, losing a loved one, heartbreak, or even going through a continuation of hard times from the previous year can push your mind down into dark places.

When the mind goes down, so does the body. There’s no desire to go outside for fresh air or tackle in-house duties. Tiredness takes over but relaxation and rest are far away. Deep thoughts spiral down into a rabbit hole of “shoulda, coulda, woulda”. In addition, feeling bad about life choices/mistakes can make one feel as if the entire year can be thrown away. With these mental tests, it's best to get in motion and practice gratitude for the things that did go right.

The final push can be the hardest in any race. The laps that have beaten down take a toll on the mind. Even when this happens, keep pushing. Pushing through the exhaustion can be tough but worth it in the end. Get up anyway. Most problems can’t be erased completely by thinking positively, but there can be a shift in the mental state from blues to sunshine.

"Feel it, identify it, then release from the shackles of the blues."

Turning your blues around can be tricky. Just when there’s a hint of a silver lining, a thought or another problem can arise. While dealing with fires, dance anyway. Life will continue whether times are good or tough so it’s a good practice to just keep moving along with it. Create new moments and new memories with friends (or even with yourself). Step outside the comfort zone and try something different. Keep laughing. Do something nice for someone less fortunate. These things can transform the mental dark place into a better space.

If there’s nothing else to celebrate on 12/31 and 1/1, celebrate the fact that the tough times didn’t/won’t conquer all. Making it through is an accomplishment in itself. Going into the new year with thoughts of putting an end to the mental blues is a great start to a good year. Feel it, identify it, then release from the shackles of the blues.