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“she knew” vs. “he knew”

4/25/2020

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A healthy conversation inspired by the book, “Rushing to Distraction” (The Foolish Heart)
HIM: “She knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship.”
HER: “He knew I wanted to be with him and kept treating me like his girlfriend.”

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Dating is tough. In current times, the “getting to know you” phase has turned into “Hey, let’s pretend we’re in a relationship…but you can’t claim me though”. Things move way too fast, resulting in developed feelings that are often hurt because nothing progresses. Girlfriend/boyfriend benefits are given without merit, while in the end…somebody will come to the conclusion that they aren’t ready. 
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In most cases, it’s the man who initiates the conversations of “I’m not ready for what you want.” OR “It takes time for me to get there.” When spoken with genuine intentions, there’s nothing wrong with expressing the need to slow down on the emotion train. However, why would she play a role for weeks or months with no return on the investment? And his excuse, “She knew what it was.” But if we break this down logically, HE KNEW as well.

Disclaimer: This blog isn’t to bash the male species. Just giving facts to induce healthy conversations. You don’t have to agree, but just know that WE ALL should pay attention to hints and red flags.

Now that’s out of the way, let’s approach this one from a woman’s perspective, shall we?

red flags, heart balloons
Her Red Flags
In today’s culture, women are charged with the responsibility of knowing the signs; recognizing red flags. What we’ve forgotten is that women can give off red flags too. 
  • She answers when he calls
  • She immediately returns messages
  • Cancel plans with friends just to be in his company
  • Places his needs before her own
  • Cease communications with other men to focus on him
  • Makes time for him, even with the busiest schedule
  • Her patience with him when he requests time to commit
When she wants to move towards a relationship, these signs are a given. Outside of the random hints and conversations, letting him know that he’s the only one she wants to be with. 

Instead of taking these as a warning sign, men tend to pick up on these vibes and use them to their advantage. Because at the end of the day, “I told her I didn’t want a relationship.” Well, she said that she wanted one. Shouldn’t he share the blame when sh*t hits the fan?

To be fair, no woman should give her all when she’s not receiving what she deserves and desires. So, let’s not use this as an excuse to be foolish ladies. However, you’re not 100% responsible for allowing things to go too far. Because “He knew what it was, too!”

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How Was She Supposed to Know?
Yes, women tend to get ahead of themselves. Mentally planning an extravagant relationship after a few dates. Hearing what she wants to hear…the list can go on. But while he’s treating her like a girlfriend AND expecting boyfriend benefits, is she wrong for feeling like a relationship was on the horizon? 

He pursued her, he opened up to her, all of his time outside of work and with friends was spent with her, he expected intimacy (SEX), he did romantic things, called her pet names like “babe”, “sweetie”. But at the end of the day, that’s all it was and having a friend was satisfying to him. So, while he’s taking the memories as just that and moves on, she’s stuck with feelings that she didn’t ask for in the first place. 

In these scenarios, people would say, “Well he DID tell you he wasn’t ready.” Yes, it’s best to listen to the truths spoken. However, the actions didn’t align with what he “didn’t want”. Aren’t we supposed to pay attention to one’s actions versus their words? 

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Why Lie?
How many times have we heard, “Men will say anything to get what they want.” ‘Tis true but why? Why lie just to get what you want out of a person? There are plenty of women who want a “no strings attached” type of relationship. But for some reason, hopeless romantics tend to end up with the guy who just isn’t ready. 

​Lies can destroy everything. In many cases, women are lied to, to keep the facade going. Being that lies have to be told, shows that the man understands she wants to be with him, however, he had no plans on doing the same. So, subconsciously he saw the red flags, right? But he’s having such a great time that he’s not ready for it to end.
​(Yea, yea I know, women lie too!). 

​
Major Key: If you need to lie to get what you want you know you’re doing wrong.

Just Leave Her the Hell Alone!
“You know I was fine before you came into my life, right?”
The chase. Oh, how we LOVE the chase! To women, it’s a sign of “Oh my God, this is it!”. To men, just another conquest to feed the male ego. 
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“Good morning beautiful” texts, communicating on the regular, almost begging to spend time with her. But that’s just the beginning actions. They don’t last, they tend to fizzle over time. In many cases, when she begins to return the gestures, emotions, and feelings, he backs away because he’s not ready. For some reason, once she’s into him, he realizes “Oops, I don’t want a relationship”. But she knew what it was. Wait…did he not know where things were headed? Why pull out when things are looking to get serious? 

Should have just left her alone in the first place.
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I’m Sorry?!?!
At the end of it all, there’s THE CONVERSATION. Women disguise it as closure but deep down, she’s trying one last time to convince him of her devotion. “Hopefully he’ll see how much I’m invested in this and he’ll change”. WRONG! I don’t even know why men engage in the ending conversation because all they have to offer is an "I’m sorry”. 

Initially, she doesn’t want to hear, “I’m sorry”. Those words aren’t satisfactory when her heart and hopes are crushed. Her time was wasted, she told and showed him what she wanted. “I’m sorry” doesn’t get that time back nor erase the feelings. “I’m sorry” doesn’t heal the pain of him knowing in the first place that he didn’t want to be with her but kept stringing her along. 

Message for Women:
Stop being foolish. Listen to your gut AND listen to him. If he says he doesn’t want it, he means it. No matter how the gestures will make you think otherwise. 

“Baby” is just a word. Are you consistently his “baby”? Is there another “baby”?

You can’t change his mind. Getting to know someone is perfectly fine. But once those words, “I don’t want a relationship” leaves his tongue, it’s time to log out of the heart and log into your head to determine if you’ll be able to realistically deal with being a “special friend”. Always keep yourself first and don’t be afraid to walk away.
Message for Men:
Only one. If you’re not ready for what she wants…a RELATIONSHIP, leave her the hell alone! It’ll save you headaches, long paragraphs of texts, and drama. Yes, you told her “what it was”. In your mind, she should know, but she SHOWED you based on your actions. The actions of playing the pretend boyfriend. BE CAREFUL! 

But you don’t have to take my word for it…Fellas, look at your text threads from the old “special friends”. It went downhill for some reason, right? YOU didn’t see the red flags from a woman. “You knew what it was.”

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​In each case, everyone should approach dating with honesty, realistic expectations, accountability, and respect. And most importantly, take your time. You don’t have to rush into the actions of relationship matters. Enjoy dating!

To dive more into this concept, check out the book,
​Rushing to Distraction (The Foolish Heart),
from the Heartbreak Diaries Book Series.
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What are your thoughts?
​Whether you agree or disagree, let’s have a healthy conversation!
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​​The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.

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Self-Care Reminder

4/14/2020

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STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING! Are you taking care of yourself? Anything that will take care of your body. Pampering yourself is a good key to relaxing. Take care of your body, and it’ll take care of you. Here's your reminder to cease everything else and schedule time to take care of YOU! Here are a few ideas to kick-off you Self-Care Routines:
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Gold Foil Sheet Mask
The gold foil sheet mask is a great way to hydrate the skin. This mask provides antioxidants with anti aging and anti inflammatory benefits that create a feeling of freshness as their nutrients rejuvenate, soften and nourish the skin.

You can also find these SUPER cheap online and at your local beauty supply stores!


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Collagen Eye Mask
Collagen in the eye masks or eye pads boosts the production of a protein known as elastin. It helps in improving the elasticity of the skin. Not to mention, elastin also increases the cell turnover that provides you with smoother and plump skin. It reduces the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles around the eye area.
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Biore self heated 1minute Mask
This quick and purifying facial was a refreshing treat to clean out the bad vibes, oil and everything clogging the pores. Clear pores means that you're preventing skin problems for the face!

As soon as it hits your skin, you feel the heat soothing you as you massage the mask into your pores. The natural charcoal takes out the impurities as well.

All you have to do is wet your face, apply the mask, massage for one minute, feel the heating sensation on your face and rinse. Then you're done!

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Witch Hazel Sheet Mask
DID YOU KNOW? Witch Hazel has effective astringent properties used to tones the skin, tighten pores, and rid the skin of excess oils! Perfect for your face.
Add these to your self-care plans & Share your routines and ideas!
And don't forget to wash your hands!!
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The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.

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    Author and lifestyle blogger, The blakk dahlia (e. alexcina brown)
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