 Why Am I Holding On? “…Lena Horne was a lady. And a lady always knows when to leave…” My fav line from the movie “Madea’s Family Reunion”. In that case, Blair underwood wasn’t speaking to the great Lynn Whitfield’s character about a relationship. Somehow that line always sticks out to me in my own personal dating life…posing the question: Do we ever know when to leave? And once we know, why does it take long to act on it. Or better yet why does take pain to finally exit. You can't put your finger on it, but you know something is wrong. Then, a sign appears; staring you dead in the face and still wanting to wait it out. At times, it’s okay to wait and see because things aren't always what they appear to be. Giving the benefit of the doubt never hurts. But what about that gut feeling? The gut feeling unscrambles the truths that are half told. Connects the dots in the middle of the night, digging up the questions you should have asked. Laying the red flags on the table isn’t enough. You just can’t let that person go. Many factors contribute to the lack of moving on when it’s time:
Deep down, we know better. We’ve been taught lessons both the soft (someone telling us OR watching someone go through it) and the hard way. But once you’re in it, there’s a force beyond what you know to be common sense. Beautiful words of what you want to hear deepen the connection; making it hard to untether yourself. Knowing that in the long run, there’s a slim chance that what you want and deserve is NOT coming from this person. It doesn’t take much to find an excuse to stay. The nameless/faceless attraction will win over the list analysis. Leaving is a no-go all the while, your mind is screaming for you to get out before you get hurt. Why Is It Important to Know When to Leave?  But There’s Still Hope…Right? After complaints, you may even see small improvements to ensure you’re locked in. Giving second (and third) chances is normal. It shows that you’re willing to work on it instead of leaving at the first sign of conflict. It’s a great quality, however, those who give chances are often used. Hanging onto hope will have you overlooking warning sign after warning sign. Knowing when to let go of hope can be tricky. Who wants to return to the dating pool when all you had to do was give it time? But that time would be a waste. How can hope turn into what you want? The answer is complicated. If your partner isn’t willing to change and do better, that hope will only lead you to heartache.  In some cases, once there’s a hint of getting back comfortable, the red flags are back. Another confrontation arises again. It may end in an argument or you conceding to the fact that you’ll still be with this person although something just isn’t right. Just a continuing cycle of finding out more and more things that should push you to leave. However, that HOPE will keep you hanging on to a thread. But it's just dating, a relationship…You can ALWAYS walk away. Very true statement but one can’t just walk away until they are ready. You have to be ready to walk. Unfortunately, some cannot cut their losses and stop caring. There was a time investment. Even an investment in the fantasy world thinking of all the great things that could possibly come. If only, that person would just do right by you. If only… We choose to stress and be distracted instead of being set free. I remember being sick in bed. My person at the time didn’t care about me being ill. They were only concerned with their wants. And if I didn’t agree, there was a back and forth adding more stress. Unnecessary stress. Looking back, I was grateful for being sick at the time because it gave me a reality check to put myself first. There I was in bed sick and I’m going back and forth, compromising, dimming my light for someone who couldn’t even ask “How are you feeling today?”. That was enough for me. Sometimes the “enough” comes at the most random times. But afterward, there’s a feeling of being set free and clarity. Then comes the regret and that constant question Why did I put up with this for months? Hindsight is Always 20/20 The aftermath brings a bit of an exact account of what ACTUALLY happened during the relationship. When you’re in it, you’re operating from a place of not seeing past what you want. However, in reality, it’s not what it is. There’s nothing wrong with caring, loving, and giving someone a chance. But there comes a time when you have to step back and realize it isn’t going to end well. How many times have you thought of an ex and said to yourself “I don’t know why I dealt with him/her. I should have BEEN left.” Why can’t this clarity come when you’re invested? It would be so nice to have a light switch that will cut off what you feel and understand where you stand with that person.  How to do Better Moving Forward Start with putting YOU first. You must consider your wants, needs, and boundaries. Hold true to the deal breakers no matter how great you think they are. In the long run, you don’t want to feel as if you wasted time on someone who never had any intentions to be considerate of your needs. There’s nothing wrong with cutting your losses. You tried. There’s no need to stay where you’re not receiving what you deserve. Life’s too short to be miserable. Might as well start a fresh chapter by cutting ties with what’s mentality weighing you down.  The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.
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 It’s okay to be down, but don’t stay there… Counting down to a new year is exciting, fun, and motivational to say the least. However, there are those moments when somber thoughts arise. While everyone is gearing up for entertainment and parties, you may not be in the mood to be festive. You may want to be alone, or you’re mentally sitting through the past 11 months wishing you could turn back time. It's perfectly normal to not always feel happy about the clock striking midnight. "With these mental tests, it's best to get in motion and practice gratitude for the things that did go right." A year can make a big difference. In both good and bad ways. Welcoming new life, a new job, an increase in finances, or a big experience can have one beaming and ready to elevate to more. On the flip side, losing a loved one, heartbreak, or even going through a continuation of hard times from the previous year can push your mind down into dark places. When the mind goes down, so does the body. There’s no desire to go outside for fresh air or tackle in-house duties. Tiredness takes over but relaxation and rest are far away. Deep thoughts spiral down into a rabbit hole of “shoulda, coulda, woulda”. In addition, feeling bad about life choices/mistakes can make one feel as if the entire year can be thrown away. With these mental tests, it's best to get in motion and practice gratitude for the things that did go right.  The final push can be the hardest in any race. The laps that have beaten down take a toll on the mind. Even when this happens, keep pushing. Pushing through the exhaustion can be tough but worth it in the end. Get up anyway. Most problems can’t be erased completely by thinking positively, but there can be a shift in the mental state from blues to sunshine. "Feel it, identify it, then release from the shackles of the blues." Turning your blues around can be tricky. Just when there’s a hint of a silver lining, a thought or another problem can arise. While dealing with fires, dance anyway. Life will continue whether times are good or tough so it’s a good practice to just keep moving along with it. Create new moments and new memories with friends (or even with yourself). Step outside the comfort zone and try something different. Keep laughing. Do something nice for someone less fortunate. These things can transform the mental dark place into a better space. If there’s nothing else to celebrate on 12/31 and 1/1, celebrate the fact that the tough times didn’t/won’t conquer all. Making it through is an accomplishment in itself. Going into the new year with thoughts of putting an end to the mental blues is a great start to a good year. Feel it, identify it, then release from the shackles of the blues.   The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.  Life’s going well, then all of a sudden…a disruption! An incident, unexpected bill, work stress, or a heartbreak. Anything can come along and throw you off course. I want to encourage you to take a beat and refocus. Refocusing gives room to flush out ill thoughts and anxiety. It also provides an opportunity to properly access the situation and learn from it. Everything in life teaches us a lesson, especially the bad moments. A great way to refocus is to take a step back. Breathe to calm down the mind. You can’t make clear decisions running off of the emotions caused by a rough time. Raging emotions signal the mind to rush into attempting to solve the problem. In most cases, it makes things worse. You don’t have to remain completely still while refocusing. Fill your time with activities that will rejuvenate and release the range of heightened emotions.  What to do while refocusing Self-Care: Of course, this has become one of many new buzzwords, but the need for it remains true. Self-care can be a highly neglected area in our lives as we chase dreams while being in survival mode. However, the refocusing style of self-care involves more than just a trip or a hot bubble bath. Focus on internal needs. What do YOU need to heal from the blow? Take a Mental Break: Don’t think about it. Instead, breathe and heal. What happened or is happening can't be undone. You can’t change it. Having it swirl in your head will only bring you down internally, and it’ll then affect you physically. Why put such a burden on yourself? Make it a point to give yourself at least 24 hours of not thinking of what has thrown you off. Doing so clears your mind of clutter and allows you to approach the situation with the necessary clarity to tackle the problem.  Do an activity that makes you happy: Whether it's listening to music or cooking your favorite meal. Creating a flow of small joyful things boosts your morale and energy. Sulking doesn’t fix anything, but you can help fix your mood by doing things that give you pleasure. It also takes your mind off things that you can’t change. Look towards increasing the happy moments in your days instead of writing it off as having a bad day/life. Remember, the small things make a BIG difference. Workout: Hardcore exercising or yoga stretches takes your mind away into a productive place. When going through a hard time, all you want to do is forget about it. Working out challenges your mind and body pushing you. Forget about the outside factors, others involved, or even the solution. Tap into what you need to move forward. What NOT to do Self-blame: Taking accountability and blaming yourself are on two different spectrums. You can own up to your mistakes or habits that may have led to an obstacle without beating yourself up. React negatively: Sometime when we’re feeling down, we deem it as okay to keep going down the wrong path. But that’s not the case. Every day you wake up is another day to strive in being better at getting it right. Don’t fall victim to the “Well, I’m already down, can’t get worse…” FALSE…it could. No matter what you go through, things could always be worse. Don’t create more obstacles for yourself just because you think you’re down. Reset the tone and get back onto a positive track.  Replay it over and over: You were there. It occurred in your life. No need to re-live it over and over. I remember watching an interview with Tina Turner and the interviewer asked if she would watch her biopic “What’s Love Got to do With It”. She said she hopes she didn’t have to see it because she lived it. Take that approach, you lived it. No need to watch the movie playing in your head. Also, stay away from those who feel the need to bring it up every five seconds and remind you. Think about “shoulda, coulda, woulda”: It happened. You can’t change it. There’s no point in thinking out scenarios where you could have done things differently. Play the cards you’re dealt, even if it’s a bad hand. Things arise in our lives (whether bad or good) for our growth and development. It’s what we do with what happened that matters the most. The past is gone, let it stay there and focus on moving forward.  Things happen and there’s nothing we can do about it. Just know when hard times arise, it's an opportunity to learn and grow for the better. Attacks come when you’re on your way to your best self. It's normal. Refocus, pick yourself back up!  The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey. Nothing to give, nothing to say, nothing to create. I’m drained! A friend gave me great advice when things aren’t working out as you want, leave it alone. Don’t bother it, don’t touch it, don’t allow it to fester in your mind and spirit. There’s nothing left to do but allow things to organically come back together. And when the time is right, it does. At times, I find it hard to constantly create ways to simply…create. I can’t concentrate, can’t think, and don’t have the normal drive to sit at the computer. And when I do, the ideas just won’t come. I feel sluggish and tired, only wanting to lay in bed. It’s not that I don’t want to be productive I just can’t get with it. This is what I call burnout. It's more than having “writer’s block”. It’s a mental block, preventing me the ability to function at my full capacity. Time moves on and nothing happens. It becomes comfortable for me to “not do it”. Then it mentally takes a toll as I feel like I’m being lazy. I love to write. I love to create. I want to work. But my mind and body just won’t allow it. When this moment arises, I have no choice but to step back and regain focus on my own time. It can come from lack of sleep due to work and/or piling more on my plate to “keep up”. So, I want to share what I’ve learned during my moments of burning out. Be honest with yourself about what you can/can’t handle. It’s okay! How do you know you’re burnt out? One minute you’re going full force, producing at a fast pace. Then the next…boom, it hits you. Sluggish feelings and frustration set in because you can't produce like you used to. The feelings are hard to control and come out of. You have no choice but to go with the motions of irregular patterns thrown into your regular work routine. Whenever this feeling arises what can you do? First, it's best to identify what it is. Feeling the burnout can come in many forms. It can range from falling behind on personal and professional deadlines to staying in bed longer than the alarm clock(s). It can also show up in the physical form. Headaches, physical pains, tiredness, and even sickness.  Getting hit with these symptoms can make you feel as if you’re inactive. Self-doubt kicks in, bringing you further down into a bad spiral. Instead of piling more work and forcing it, recognize what is happening to you. Understanding that you’re going through the motions of burning out, helps in dealing with it. When to leave things alone. As you deal with the mental and physical changes from being burnt out, you must know when to leave the work alone. Allowing it to just create space to recharge. Taking time away from your project, job, or whatever that’s draining you helps in refocusing your purpose while getting the necessary energy back. What if you’re not able to fully take time away? Peel a few layers off your tasks. Cutting back can be just as effective. Just as long as you’re not trying to operate at full speed while your energy is on empty. When your cell phone or laptop battery is low what do you do? Charge it. You don’t put more work on it or curse it because it's lacking productivity.  What to do in the meantime. While stepping away or cutting back, it's best to fill those spaces with activities to refuel. Remember, taking this time is meant to help YOU. Not to take on a new stressor or do for someone else. This is all about getting your mind and spirit back to a place where you’re operating on 100%. Here are a few examples of what to do:  Get ready for the abundance. Jump back in! After you have taken that necessary time, your mind and body have a way of letting you know that it’s time to jump back in. You can also test the waters if you’re feeling antsy but don’t hesitate to pull back if you’re feeling overwhelmed again. It tends to happen when you least expect it. All of a sudden, you feel better. The headaches are gone, and you feel like a new person. Once the burnout flows away from your recharging, you’ll tend to receive random overflows of ideas and creativity.  You wake up one day on a full battery and you’re ready to go! Burning out is normal. It doesn’t equate to a lack of productivity. You can’t escape it if you’re constantly working hard towards your goals. We’ve all been there. Don’t worry because it's only temporary, as long as you take care of yourself. Sooner than you think, you’ll be able to get back on the saddle operating better than ever!  The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.  Staying grounded in the final stretch.Summer is rolling on out. Even the sun the starting to leave us a little early in the evening. ‘Twas a fun and eventful one…but not without chaos and nerve-racking twists and turns that may have thrown us off course. In times like these, performing grounding techniques to keep us in the here and now. If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present. ― Lao Tzu Try these grounding techniques to relieve fear and anxiety as we finish this year strong! Breathe. Take a few minutes to breathe. Deep inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth. Pausing for a moment to breathe helps in slowing down the mind and body. Positive Affirmations. Positivity is key. So cliché’, however, your mindsets the tone for how you will handle your days. Filling it with affirmations reminds us of who we are and what we’re capable of. Flushing out the bad thoughts brings clarity to many situations, giving time and energy to resolving and/or coping with whatever is right in front of us.
Laugh. Laughter cures more than we know. A small chuckle or a big guffaw can relax the; muscles relieving the tension and stress that is festering in your body. Go look at that funny video that brings a big smile to your face or a meme on social that puts a humorous spin on the current event. If your current situation isn’t a laughing matter, replace it with a few seconds of an entertaining distraction. There’s nothing we can do about what’s out of our control. Worrying won’t solve it. Reliving won’t solve it. Staying still and focusing on what’s presently is around us allows time to enjoy the present without the clutter of What to do…What I should have done.  How Do You Stay Grounded? Share your techniques in the comments!  The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey. |
"I LOVE to write and create. These are the diaries of how I work and deal in my world of writing and adventures!"
- The Blakk Dahlia Latest book from the Heartbreak Diaries Book Series
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