The Dahlia Diaries Blog

Don't Carry the "Wrong" One: Healing your past to embrace the future

9/1/2023

Blog for the book, Wrong Vengeance (The Toxic Heart), from the Heartbreak Diaries Series

Without context, "move on" can be bad advice to some. Moving on in the sense of only "jumping back out there" can result in the same heartbreak, if you're still carrying bags of pain. In addition to getting hurt, you can inflict toxic behavior onto a new partner. Before getting into another relationship, it's best to ensure that you're healed OR is in the process of healing.

"You don't have to like it, you don't have to hide your feelings about it. But accept it."

There still may be moments of sadness and anger. However, making sure your heart is taken care of can prevent you from breaking someone else's.

Fully moving on with the implication of healing first can entail:

Processing what happened. How many times have we asked ourselves "Did that just happen? No!" Understanding what happened gives a clear view of what to do next and how you can turn it around for the better.

Acceptance. This goes along with processing feelings. After you have an understanding of the end, accept it. You don't have to like it, you don't have to hide your feelings about it. But accept it. Not accepting that it's time to let it go can result in delusions creeping in. Delusions can have you running back, chasing after something that has ended, and creating the illusion that the pain isn't that bad.

Express your true feelings. It's okay to say how you REALLY feel. You can be sad, confused, mad, or even feel foolish for caring about the wrong person. Express that to release those emotions and get you into the process of healing. Don't lie to yourself. Speak them aloud.

Mend your heart. Take care of yourself. Watch motivational videos, talk about it with your friends, etc. If needed there's nothing wrong with accessing your heartbreak with a professional. Find and use the tools/resources available to keep you moving forward healthily. Healing takes time. Don't be so quick to rush back into the dating pool to prove a point or to think that it'll erase how the past relationship made you feel.

Learning the lessons. Find out where you went wrong. What did you accept? What did you take for granted? What can you do different if faced with the same issue(s) in the future? If you got played...you got played. It happens. Look at the signs you missed and how you can spot them more clearly in the future. It's all about using the situation to propel you into a better life.

Finding ways for the heartbreak to make you better instead of bitter. Over time, the thought of certain causes of the pain won't cut as deep. With that, turn the perspective around. Instead of being angry, be grateful for the memories and the lessons. Being bitter only tears you down. It does NOTHING for the other party. Don't seek revenge (as much as it tempts you) as it only gives temporary relief. And can cause bigger issues down the road.

Staying busy. Try a new restaurant, catch a movie, and plan a shopping day for yourself. Be sure to pour into be that love you by catching up with friends and family. You can also release the stress of the breakup with a workout. Find a new hobby. Anything that will keep your mind from staying in the place of heartbreak.

Resisting the urge to look back. It's oh-so-tempting to hop online and search for your ex. Why? What gratification are we getting by looking at their lives? There's nothing you can do about them moving on so you watching it won't change the outcome. Falling down the rabbit hole of researching your ex, tortures you. What you discover may inflict more hurt and throw the healing process off course. Even if they reach out, remember the rough times and how hard you fought and still fighting to get over it.

And THEN, when you're ready, get back out there!

Wrong Vengeance book promo with sad black man and hands on his shoulder

In the book, Wrong Vengeance, Brandy took her past pain into a new relationship. Charles gave her everything she deserved and more. He came with a few flaws but none that she couldn't handle with a little patience and time. Throughout their relationship, Brandy morphed into her past, showing Charles a toxic side that he didn't sign up for. Will their love survive her pain?

About Wrong Vengeance
He Wanted to Love Her, She Wanted REVENGE!
Brandy's life has two sides: 1. Career, confidence, beauty, and brains. 2. Behind closed doors, there's a toxic being slowly draining her spirit. One night of emotional and physical abuse from her broken boyfriend killed her spirit. Although she escaped the bad relationship, a seed of pain was planted deep. Brandy unknowingly transformed into what hurt her.

Can true love cure a toxic heart?
Moving on with her life, she meets Charles, who is the total opposite of the love she left. However, fearing that her old life would resurface, she sends him on a whirlwind of complications, arguments, and toxic behaviors learned from the past. Charles vows to love Brandy through it all with his actions but, her bad habits can push him away for good.

How can one heal from trauma while trying to love again?

Don't have the book yet? Order your copy today! Available on MULTIPLE eBook platforms. Paperback copies exclusively available on Amazon!

BONUS! Get a sneak peek of Chapter 1: The Loitering Bachelor, from Wrong Vengeance HERE!

The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.

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4 Reasons Why Aguadilla is Great for a Mental Health Vacation

5/3/2023

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My mind was cluttered…
Work was NOT working…
And the stress was stressed out…

Even being at home was frustrating. After a self-assessment, I concluded that I needed MORE than a mental break. I needed a mental vacation. To me, a mental vacation is traveling to a destination of peace. For this type of break, I didn’t require the flashy city and lively nightlife. All I craved was good scenery, snacks, and a quiet place to be still.

Thanks to my go-to airline offering direct flights, I ventured to Aguadilla, Puerto Rico. I picked this place because it’s in an area I’ve been to before, however, it was a new place to visit to release. The city receives a good number of tourists, however, it's not as popular as San Juan. This beautiful gem was just what I needed to get my mind back right.

Sunset at Punta Borinquen Beach

Fun Fact:
For those who don’t know, Aguadilla is located in the northwest area of the island. It's well known for its sunset views, Punta Borinquen Golf Club, and beaches.

After leaving this beautiful place, I felt so relaxed and at ease. Even the layover in another city due to bad weather didn’t bother me. Aguadilla did the trick. So, I’d like to share 4 reasons why I think Aguadilla, PR is one of the best places for a mental health vacation. Hopefully, this will inspire you to look for “100% Peace” on your next getaway.

1. Multiple Beach Options. Aguadilla has a coastline of beaches with beautiful views and a first-hand look at the well-known sunset. Each beach has a unique vibe, look, and feel with gorgeous waters flowing against the beach and rock formations. My favorite was Peña Blanca Beach. Driving there gives the illusion of a forestry area. Once parked, I looked over the small cliff and saw magic. The hidden space opened into a beautiful ocean with rock formations for peaceful meditation and a photo session.

Although this was a vacation for peace, I did find a little action at Crash Boat Beach. Still peaceful, however, they have water sports activities, vendors, and a DJ to keep the vacation mode flowing. Even while there, I found a peaceful area to continue the meditations and stillness.

2. The Perfect Place for a Release. The stress was wearing me down and I needed to get out of loud New York City to just RELEASE. I needed to breathe it out, cry it out, fuss it out, and lay out in the sun. Aguadilla has a calming and serene atmosphere. I couldn’t help but relax and soak in the tranquility. Even when I was hanging out on the couch at the Airbnb, I was at peace. It wasn’t the usual night at home where I’m thinking of a million things that I have to do.

meditation on the beach, e alexcina brown

Peña Blanca Beach

3. Views. Rock formations that look like abstract art, distant mountains, ocean waves in alluring blues, trees right out of a travel pamphlet, and sand complementing the ocean. All elements for a spectacle to capture with your mind and your camera.

A visit to Ruinas del Faro delivered a one-of-a-kind art show. This site surprised me with amazing graffiti art telling a million and one stories.

4. Beautiful Weather. The weather was perfect for any activity. I went out for a drive, went sightseeing, took a walk around the plaza, and of course the beach. Any activity on any day served great weather for me to relax my mind.

Crash Boat Beach

Aguadilla set the perfect tone for what I needed and that was a TRUE break. I love the ocean and this location was the perfect addition to the list. I left with a relaxed spirit and gratefulness. It even spilled over onto the following days of my returning home. The mental health vacation was a success!

Where’s your hidden gem for a relaxing vacation?

Photo credits: E. Alexcina Brown

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When You Know When to Leave…But You Don’t

2/11/2023

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Why Am I Holding On?

“…Lena Horne was a lady. And a lady always knows when to leave…”
My fav line from the movie “Madea’s Family Reunion”. In that case, Blair underwood wasn’t speaking to the great Lynn Whitfield’s character about a relationship. Somehow that line always sticks out to me in my own personal dating life…posing the question: Do we ever know when to leave? And once we know, why does it take long to act on it. Or better yet why does take pain to finally exit.

You can't put your finger on it, but you know something is wrong. Then, a sign appears; staring you dead in the face and still wanting to wait it out. At times, it’s okay to wait and see because things aren't always what they appear to be. Giving the benefit of the doubt never hurts.

But what about that gut feeling? The gut feeling unscrambles the truths that are half told. Connects the dots in the middle of the night, digging up the questions you should have asked. Laying the red flags on the table isn’t enough. You just can’t let that person go.

Many factors contribute to the lack of moving on when it’s time:

Love
Time investment
All a person knows
Loneliness
Settling
Insecure/Self-esteem issues
Fear of facing embarrassment
Clinging to the hope that things will get better

Deep down, we know better. We’ve been taught lessons both the soft (someone telling us OR watching someone go through it) and the hard way. But once you’re in it, there’s a force beyond what you know to be common sense. Beautiful words of what you want to hear deepen the connection; making it hard to untether yourself. Knowing that in the long run, there’s a slim chance that what you want and deserve is NOT coming from this person.

It doesn’t take much to find an excuse to stay. The nameless/faceless attraction will win over the list analysis. Leaving is a no-go all the while, your mind is screaming for you to get out before you get hurt.

Why Is It Important to Know When to Leave?
Safety reasons
To stop yourself from falling deeper into that is not real
You deserve to be treated better
Something better is out there even if there isn’t you’re better off alone

But There’s Still Hope…Right?
After complaints, you may even see small improvements to ensure you’re locked in. Giving second (and third) chances is normal. It shows that you’re willing to work on it instead of leaving at the first sign of conflict. It’s a great quality, however, those who give chances are often used. Hanging onto hope will have you overlooking warning sign after warning sign. Knowing when to let go of hope can be tricky. Who wants to return to the dating pool when all you had to do was give it time? But that time would be a waste. How can hope turn into what you want? The answer is complicated. If your partner isn’t willing to change and do better, that hope will only lead you to heartache.

In some cases, once there’s a hint of getting back comfortable, the red flags are back. Another confrontation arises again. It may end in an argument or you conceding to the fact that you’ll still be with this person although something just isn’t right.

Just a continuing cycle of finding out more and more things that should push you to leave. However, that HOPE will keep you hanging on to a thread.

But it's just dating, a relationship…You can ALWAYS walk away. Very true statement but one can’t just walk away until they are ready. You have to be ready to walk. Unfortunately, some cannot cut their losses and stop caring. There was a time investment. Even an investment in the fantasy world thinking of all the great things that could possibly come. If only, that person would just do right by you. If only…

We choose to stress and be distracted instead of being set free.
We are so scared of starting over, feeling like a failure ONCE AGAIN at love.
We aren’t tired enough of the behaviors and the effects they have

It takes a drastic change or a point of no return to realize who you were really dealing with.

I remember being sick in bed. My person at the time didn’t care about me being ill. They were only concerned with their wants. And if I didn’t agree, there was a back and forth adding more stress. Unnecessary stress. Looking back, I was grateful for being sick at the time because it gave me a reality check to put myself first. There I was in bed sick and I’m going back and forth, compromising, dimming my light for someone who couldn’t even ask “How are you feeling today?”. That was enough for me. Sometimes the “enough” comes at the most random times. But afterward, there’s a feeling of being set free and clarity. Then comes the regret and that constant question Why did I put up with this for months?

Hindsight is Always 20/20
The aftermath brings a bit of an exact account of what ACTUALLY happened during the relationship. When you’re in it, you’re operating from a place of not seeing past what you want. However, in reality, it’s not what it is. There’s nothing wrong with caring, loving, and giving someone a chance. But there comes a time when you have to step back and realize it isn’t going to end well.

How many times have you thought of an ex and said to yourself “I don’t know why I dealt with him/her. I should have BEEN left.” Why can’t this clarity come when you’re invested? It would be so nice to have a light switch that will cut off what you feel and understand where you stand with that person.

How to do Better Moving Forward
Start with putting YOU first. You must consider your wants, needs, and boundaries. Hold true to the deal breakers no matter how great you think they are. In the long run, you don’t want to feel as if you wasted time on someone who never had any intentions to be considerate of your needs.

There’s nothing wrong with cutting your losses. You tried. There’s no need to stay where you’re not receiving what you deserve. Life’s too short to be miserable. Might as well start a fresh chapter by cutting ties with what’s mentality weighing you down.

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End of the Year Blues

12/28/2022

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It’s okay to be down, but don’t stay there…
Counting down to a new year is exciting, fun, and motivational to say the least. However, there are those moments when somber thoughts arise. While everyone is gearing up for entertainment and parties, you may not be in the mood to be festive. You may want to be alone, or you’re mentally sitting through the past 11 months wishing you could turn back time. It's perfectly normal to not always feel happy about the clock striking midnight.

"With these mental tests, it's best to get in motion and practice gratitude for the things that did go right."

A year can make a big difference. In both good and bad ways. Welcoming new life, a new job, an increase in finances, or a big experience can have one beaming and ready to elevate to more. On the flip side, losing a loved one, heartbreak, or even going through a continuation of hard times from the previous year can push your mind down into dark places.

When the mind goes down, so does the body. There’s no desire to go outside for fresh air or tackle in-house duties. Tiredness takes over but relaxation and rest are far away. Deep thoughts spiral down into a rabbit hole of “shoulda, coulda, woulda”. In addition, feeling bad about life choices/mistakes can make one feel as if the entire year can be thrown away. With these mental tests, it's best to get in motion and practice gratitude for the things that did go right.

The final push can be the hardest in any race. The laps that have beaten down take a toll on the mind. Even when this happens, keep pushing. Pushing through the exhaustion can be tough but worth it in the end. Get up anyway. Most problems can’t be erased completely by thinking positively, but there can be a shift in the mental state from blues to sunshine.

"Feel it, identify it, then release from the shackles of the blues."

Turning your blues around can be tricky. Just when there’s a hint of a silver lining, a thought or another problem can arise. While dealing with fires, dance anyway. Life will continue whether times are good or tough so it’s a good practice to just keep moving along with it. Create new moments and new memories with friends (or even with yourself). Step outside the comfort zone and try something different. Keep laughing. Do something nice for someone less fortunate. These things can transform the mental dark place into a better space.

If there’s nothing else to celebrate on 12/31 and 1/1, celebrate the fact that the tough times didn’t/won’t conquer all. Making it through is an accomplishment in itself. Going into the new year with thoughts of putting an end to the mental blues is a great start to a good year. Feel it, identify it, then release from the shackles of the blues.

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Refocus: Stepping Back to Bounce Back

8/2/2022

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refocus, black man, black man thinking, relaxing

Life’s going well, then all of a sudden…a disruption! An incident, unexpected bill, work stress, or a heartbreak. Anything can come along and throw you off course. I want to encourage you to take a beat and refocus. Refocusing gives room to flush out ill thoughts and anxiety. It also provides an opportunity to properly access the situation and learn from it.

Everything in life teaches us a lesson, especially the bad moments.

A great way to refocus is to take a step back. Breathe to calm down the mind. You can’t make clear decisions running off of the emotions caused by a rough time. Raging emotions signal the mind to rush into attempting to solve the problem. In most cases, it makes things worse. You don’t have to remain completely still while refocusing. Fill your time with activities that will rejuvenate and release the range of heightened emotions.

meditation, black couple, black couple meditating, meditation

What to do while refocusing
Self-Care: Of course, this has become one of many new buzzwords, but the need for it remains true. Self-care can be a highly neglected area in our lives as we chase dreams while being in survival mode. However, the refocusing style of self-care involves more than just a trip or a hot bubble bath. Focus on internal needs. What do YOU need to heal from the blow?

Take a Mental Break: Don’t think about it. Instead, breathe and heal. What happened or is happening can't be undone. You can’t change it. Having it swirl in your head will only bring you down internally, and it’ll then affect you physically. Why put such a burden on yourself? Make it a point to give yourself at least 24 hours of not thinking of what has thrown you off. Doing so clears your mind of clutter and allows you to approach the situation with the necessary clarity to tackle the problem.

couple on the beach, dancing on the beach, girlfriends, black couple

Do an activity that makes you happy: Whether it's listening to music or cooking your favorite meal. Creating a flow of small joyful things boosts your morale and energy. Sulking doesn’t fix anything, but you can help fix your mood by doing things that give you pleasure. It also takes your mind off things that you can’t change. Look towards increasing the happy moments in your days instead of writing it off as having a bad day/life. Remember, the small things make a BIG difference.

Workout: Hardcore exercising or yoga stretches takes your mind away into a productive place. When going through a hard time, all you want to do is forget about it. Working out challenges your mind and body pushing you.

Forget about the outside factors, others involved, or even the solution. Tap into what you need to move forward.

What NOT to do
Self-blame: Taking accountability and blaming yourself are on two different spectrums. You can own up to your mistakes or habits that may have led to an obstacle without beating yourself up.

React negatively: Sometime when we’re feeling down, we deem it as okay to keep going down the wrong path. But that’s not the case. Every day you wake up is another day to strive in being better at getting it right. Don’t fall victim to the “Well, I’m already down, can’t get worse…” FALSE…it could. No matter what you go through, things could always be worse. Don’t create more obstacles for yourself just because you think you’re down. Reset the tone and get back onto a positive track.

friends fighting, argument, disagreement

Replay it over and over: You were there. It occurred in your life. No need to re-live it over and over. I remember watching an interview with Tina Turner and the interviewer asked if she would watch her biopic “What’s Love Got to do With It”. She said she hopes she didn’t have to see it because she lived it. Take that approach, you lived it. No need to watch the movie playing in your head. Also, stay away from those who feel the need to bring it up every five seconds and remind you.

Think about “shoulda, coulda, woulda”: It happened. You can’t change it. There’s no point in thinking out scenarios where you could have done things differently. Play the cards you’re dealt, even if it’s a bad hand. Things arise in our lives (whether bad or good) for our growth and development. It’s what we do with what happened that matters the most. The past is gone, let it stay there and focus on moving forward.

Things happen and there’s nothing we can do about it. Just know when hard times arise, it's an opportunity to learn and grow for the better. Attacks come when you’re on your way to your best self. It's normal. Refocus, pick yourself back up!

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Don't Carry the "Wrong" One: Healing your past to embrace the future

"You don't have to like it, you don't have to hide your feelings about it. But accept it."

4 Reasons Why Aguadilla is Great for a Mental Health Vacation

Fun Fact:
For those who don’t know, Aguadilla is located in the northwest area of the island. It's well known for its sunset views, Punta Borinquen Golf Club, and beaches.

Where’s your hidden gem for a relaxing vacation?

Get Blogs and More Delivered to Your Inbox!

When You Know When to Leave…But You Don’t

Why Is It Important to Know When to Leave?
Safety reasons
To stop yourself from falling deeper into that is not real
You deserve to be treated better
Something better is out there even if there isn’t you’re better off alone

End of the Year Blues

Refocus: Stepping Back to Bounce Back

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Don't Carry the "Wrong" One: Healing your past to embrace the future

"You don't have to like it, you don't have to hide your feelings about it. But accept it."

4 Reasons Why Aguadilla is Great for a Mental Health Vacation

Fun Fact:For those who don’t know, Aguadilla is located in the northwest area of the island. It's well known for its sunset views, Punta Borinquen Golf Club, and beaches.

Where’s your hidden gem for a relaxing vacation?

Get Blogs and More Delivered to Your Inbox!

When You Know When to Leave…But You Don’t

Why Is It Important to Know When to Leave? Safety reasons To stop yourself from falling deeper into that is not real You deserve to be treated better Something better is out there even if there isn’t you’re better off alone

End of the Year Blues

Refocus: Stepping Back to Bounce Back

​

Join the Email List!

Archives

Categories

Fun Fact:
For those who don’t know, Aguadilla is located in the northwest area of the island. It's well known for its sunset views, Punta Borinquen Golf Club, and beaches.

Why Is It Important to Know When to Leave?
Safety reasons
To stop yourself from falling deeper into that is not real
You deserve to be treated better
Something better is out there even if there isn’t you’re better off alone