 A healthy conversation inspired by the book, “Rushing to Distraction” (The Foolish Heart) HIM: “She knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship.” HER: “He knew I wanted to be with him and kept treating me like his girlfriend.”  Dating is tough. In current times, the “getting to know you” phase has turned into “Hey, let’s pretend we’re in a relationship…but you can’t claim me though”. Things move way too fast, resulting in developed feelings that are often hurt because nothing progresses. Girlfriend/boyfriend benefits are given without merit, while in the end…somebody will come to the conclusion that they aren’t ready. In most cases, it’s the man who initiates the conversations of “I’m not ready for what you want.” OR “It takes time for me to get there.” When spoken with genuine intentions, there’s nothing wrong with expressing the need to slow down on the emotion train. However, why would she play a role for weeks or months with no return on the investment? And his excuse, “She knew what it was.” But if we break this down logically, HE KNEW as well. Disclaimer: This blog isn’t to bash the male species. Just giving facts to induce healthy conversations. You don’t have to agree, but just know that WE ALL should pay attention to hints and red flags. Now that’s out of the way, let’s approach this one from a woman’s perspective, shall we?  Her Red Flags In today’s culture, women are charged with the responsibility of knowing the signs; recognizing red flags. What we’ve forgotten is that women can give off red flags too.
Instead of taking these as a warning sign, men tend to pick up on these vibes and use them to their advantage. Because at the end of the day, “I told her I didn’t want a relationship.” Well, she said that she wanted one. Shouldn’t he share the blame when sh*t hits the fan? To be fair, no woman should give her all when she’s not receiving what she deserves and desires. So, let’s not use this as an excuse to be foolish ladies. However, you’re not 100% responsible for allowing things to go too far. Because “He knew what it was, too!”  How Was She Supposed to Know? Yes, women tend to get ahead of themselves. Mentally planning an extravagant relationship after a few dates. Hearing what she wants to hear…the list can go on. But while he’s treating her like a girlfriend AND expecting boyfriend benefits, is she wrong for feeling like a relationship was on the horizon? He pursued her, he opened up to her, all of his time outside of work and with friends was spent with her, he expected intimacy (SEX), he did romantic things, called her pet names like “babe”, “sweetie”. But at the end of the day, that’s all it was and having a friend was satisfying to him. So, while he’s taking the memories as just that and moves on, she’s stuck with feelings that she didn’t ask for in the first place. In these scenarios, people would say, “Well he DID tell you he wasn’t ready.” Yes, it’s best to listen to the truths spoken. However, the actions didn’t align with what he “didn’t want”. Aren’t we supposed to pay attention to one’s actions versus their words?  Why Lie? How many times have we heard, “Men will say anything to get what they want.” ‘Tis true but why? Why lie just to get what you want out of a person? There are plenty of women who want a “no strings attached” type of relationship. But for some reason, hopeless romantics tend to end up with the guy who just isn’t ready. Lies can destroy everything. In many cases, women are lied to, to keep the facade going. Being that lies have to be told, shows that the man understands she wants to be with him, however, he had no plans on doing the same. So, subconsciously he saw the red flags, right? But he’s having such a great time that he’s not ready for it to end. (Yea, yea I know, women lie too!). Major Key: If you need to lie to get what you want you know you’re doing wrong. Just Leave Her the Hell Alone! “You know I was fine before you came into my life, right?” The chase. Oh, how we LOVE the chase! To women, it’s a sign of “Oh my God, this is it!”. To men, just another conquest to feed the male ego.  “Good morning beautiful” texts, communicating on the regular, almost begging to spend time with her. But that’s just the beginning actions. They don’t last, they tend to fizzle over time. In many cases, when she begins to return the gestures, emotions, and feelings, he backs away because he’s not ready. For some reason, once she’s into him, he realizes “Oops, I don’t want a relationship”. But she knew what it was. Wait…did he not know where things were headed? Why pull out when things are looking to get serious? Should have just left her alone in the first place.  I’m Sorry?!?! At the end of it all, there’s THE CONVERSATION. Women disguise it as closure but deep down, she’s trying one last time to convince him of her devotion. “Hopefully he’ll see how much I’m invested in this and he’ll change”. WRONG! I don’t even know why men engage in the ending conversation because all they have to offer is an "I’m sorry”. Initially, she doesn’t want to hear, “I’m sorry”. Those words aren’t satisfactory when her heart and hopes are crushed. Her time was wasted, she told and showed him what she wanted. “I’m sorry” doesn’t get that time back nor erase the feelings. “I’m sorry” doesn’t heal the pain of him knowing in the first place that he didn’t want to be with her but kept stringing her along.
 In each case, everyone should approach dating with honesty, realistic expectations, accountability, and respect. And most importantly, take your time. You don’t have to rush into the actions of relationship matters. Enjoy dating! To dive more into this concept, check out the book, Rushing to Distraction (The Foolish Heart), from the Heartbreak Diaries Book Series.  What are your thoughts? Whether you agree or disagree, let’s have a healthy conversation!  The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.
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Do You Stay Where You Are...Or Take a Risk to Try Again? Book Chat for the book, Devastation or Destiny???  The Gamble It's a crapshoot, in leaving "all you know" to venture out into the "unknown". In love, it's no different. Those who have left long-term relationships (for whatever reason) have jumped back into the dating world, only to find that they could have kept what they had. But, in a good moment, being in the right place at the right time, the Universe sprinkles that spark down on you placing you in fates hands. In the end, these moments reveal exactly why things didn't work out in the comfort zone of your heart. Have You Ever Settled for Love out of Fear? Everyone wants to love and to be in love. So much that they’ve accepted lowered standards or a life in which they didn’t desire, just to have that. In some cases, they live happily ever after. Although, there’s always that itch for something more, or what’s on the other side of that fear. We should never take “whatever” that is handed to us, due to the fear of being alone. The mind isn’t operating out a sense of self-awareness. It's in survival mode. And once in survival mode, you’ll do anything to hold on to that love. Even if it means a daily compromise of yourself with nothing in return.  In Devastation or Destiny???, Tanya was faced with a BIG curveball which led to the demise of her relationship. One that she felt would last forever. In losing something so major, piled on top of the pain, humiliation, and lowered self-esteem; she was faced with an opportunity to start over. Then, the opportunity to go back to the comfort zone presents itself leaving her with the decision of, “What life do I choose? The one I want, OR the one in which I know how the story will end.”  About Devastation or Destiny??? (The Settled Heart) Tanya found her happy ending, but it wasn’t the one she wrote. A lover of adventure and exploration found the heart of a hard-working traditional man. Kenneth is unwilling to take on her dreams, however, he gives the greatest love with no reservations. As their wedding day approaches, she finds herself thinking of what could have been. Did I give up on what I REALLY wanted too soon? Fearing that she’ll miss out on a chance of true love, Tanya gives in. But, the deep yearnings never end. The universe hears the inner cries of the life she wanted, as she prepares to take on a new life with Kenneth. Life eventually gives her want she truly wants but with a cost…Devastation! Thrown into dismay, Tanya finds herself starting over. Will the devastation be worth it? Or should she have been grateful for the “once in a lifetime love”? The third “diary entry” from the Heartbreak Diaries Book Series is Available NOW!   The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey. Snippets from the "7-Day Guide to Forget About Your Heartbreak"This guide breaks down 7-Days of activities to get your mind refocused and help ease the frustrations of a heartbreak. Learn how to get back to YOU! Take care of you by refueling so that you can rejoin the world refreshed. Now go get over the heartbreak! You deserve it!  "Why Do I Need This Again?" Heartbreaks are unexpected and such a pain to get over. But it happens. It’s what you during the times of losing someone special that sets the tone of allowing the experience to make you better or bitter. Whether coming out of a dating situation or long-term relationship, adjustments are needed to get out of the mind frame of thinking like a couple to being okay with going about your days and nights…alone.  Meditation Monday. Free Your Mind! Mondays are deemed to be a drag. But they don’t have to be. Set your week in a new tone by starting a routine with taking care of the mind. As they say, wherever the head goes, the body will follow. By clearing your mind and regaining focus on what’s important, you make room for the positive vibes to freely flow. Giving in to the Monday blues will only allow the thoughts/feelings of your broken heart to make its way into your head.  Tacos and Talk Tuesday. Eat Your Heart Out with a Friend! Heartbreaks can make you become reclusive. You don’t want to talk to anyone, see anyone, the world is shut out, and all you want to do is sit at home in bed, listening to your sad love song playlist. SNAP OUT OF THAT! Create an evening event where you catch up with a friend(s) over tacos. Because hey, who doesn’t like tacos? (If your friend isn’t excited about Taco Tuesday, let them go. You don’t need that type of negativity in your life! j/k).  Wisdom Wednesday. Elevate Your Knowledge! You gotta keep your mind sharp. Why not devote a Wednesday evening to quenching that thirst for knowledge. Spend some alone time learning. Refuel our mind with knowledge and new conversation pieces with stepping outside of your normal gossip blog trolling. If you like trolling blogs, troll blogs that will help build your business OR blogs that will help you on your mediation Mondays. Anything that will feed you spiritually and/or intellectually.  Throw it Out Thursday. Delete and Delete! Now it’s time to PURGE your phone! Along with social media, you can get caught up in scrolling through past photos of dates nights, random selfies, and those candid shots of him you took when he wasn’t looking. All of it is a recipe for reminiscing and wondering what could have been. You can’t move on with your life revisiting the past. It’s time to move those “souvenirs” out of sight. You gotta put away any reminders of “him” that will try to control your emotions. You can’t even find that funny meme you screenshot weeks ago because pictures of you and him are in the way. Free up that phone data!  Fearless Friday. Time to Go For It! We all have a road not taken or something that we’ve always wanted to do, but afraid to take that first step. Today is the day you move forward with courage. JUST START IT ALREADY! Take on the challenge of being fearless and do what you’ve been scared to do.  Sweat it Out Saturday. Weekend Work! Yep, you knew it was coming. Time to work out! Sweat out the pain, bad memories, and heartbreak with a 30 mins to an hour session moving and challenging the body. Give your heart a break and go to bed with aching limbs instead. Saturdays are great for running errands, catching up on shows, and sleeping in. But you have to spend time working on your body. No pain, no gain right?  Self Care Sunday. Get Your Glow Back! Wind down your week with pampering yourself. From head to toe, give your body some much-needed nourishment with beauty regimens often skipped due to work, daily life, and other stuff that gets in the way. Sunday is about filling your body with the nutrients needed to provide you with a glow on the inside and out. Ending the week on a relaxing note can get your mind ready for meditation and moving on.
Learn self-building ways to forget about past relationships by starting healthy new routines for the mind and the body!  Last Updated: 12/01/2020  The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey. Get tips on how to cope with moving on, without getting caught up in the distraction. From the book, "Rushing to Distraction"  The Distraction. A new day. A fresh start to move forward with your life. Although, thoughts of what’s left behind can’t seem to leave you to get the day going. Simple tasks, such as getting out of bed to head to the shower can throw you back into a mental time machine. Traveling to the days when things seemed good. A comfort zone that you were forced out of, usually for your own best interest, is the place where you want to be. Not the present. Instead, you’re missing out on the new blessings the morning can give you. New opportunities to step into a different direction filled with greater things. You know you need to move on, you may even want to move on, but the heart takes over and you're stuck in distraction. So what do you do? How can you deal with the new changes of something as simple as a morning routine? Acceptance. Accept what is. But how? Make peace with the monkey wrench thrown into your plans. Understand that whatever you’re going through, in the end, it will be okay. Just Do It. To take a step into starting over, that’s what you have to do. Take the step. Yes, you’ll want to grieve and/or reminisce but those days are over. You have to muster up the strength to shake the feeling of wanting what you once had. What’s To Come. Look forward to the unknown. Be happy and grateful for the adventures that lie ahead. You can’t enjoy new chapters, re-reading old ones. It’s Okay To Feel. Feelings make you human. Feel the feelings but don’t get stuck in them. You HAVE to feel it. Don’t hide behind the mask of “I’m Fine”. If you need to cry, cry it out. If you’re mad, be mad but don’t allow that anger to settle in your spirit. Take deep breaths, breathing out those feelings of regret, hurt, and inhale the ideals of newness.  Don’t Rush to the Distractions: Book excerpt from Rushing to Distraction “Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, wearing a damp towel, Farrah stares beyond her reflection. She sees beauty, passion, a giving heart, a loving spirit, and inner yearnings for love. Everything he doesn’t see in her. Her mind floods with questions. Did she try enough? Show enough? Give enough? Was SHE enough?” In “Rushing to Distraction”, Farrah stayed within the feelings of getting distracted by what should have been. In her mind, she settled in the thoughts of what she wanted versus what was standing in front of her. What was in front of her was a man, by the name of Jamie, who refused to give her what she deserved. Instead, Farrah created a facade, making excuses for his inconsistent behavior patterns. Although he showed himself, Farrah didn’t want to see the truth in the matter, which caused more pain in the end. Leaving her DISTRACTED! How do you know when to give up? How did Farrah cope with the feelings of wanting what she never had in him? Find out in the 1st entry of the Heartbreak Diaries Book Series, “Rushing to Distraction” (The Foolish Heart).  About Rushing to Distraction Rushing to Distraction is the first entry from the Heartbreak Diaries Book Series. This story goes deep inside of a heart that ignores the warning signs when potential love shows up. Immersing everything into just getting it to work out. Farrah is driven, focused, and knows her worth until she runs into Jamie. After a long time of putting love on the back-burner, the guard quickly crumbled over this man's potential. She wasn’t asking for the romantic feelings, however, when they showed up, it was hard to let go. Jamie knows she's wrapped around his finger; slowly drawing her in with the potential for a great love. For Farrah, her yearn for companionship blinds her to the reality that taking it slow is imperative when getting to know someone. Her goals fell by the wayside, her personal relationships faltered; all because she’s distracted by a possibility. Will her constant attempts to make him love her fail? Or will he see her sacrifices as admirable and CHOOSE her? Don't have the book yet? Order your copy today! Available on MULTIPLE eBook platforms. Paperback copies exclusively available on Amazon! BONUS! Get a sneak peek of Rushing to Distraction HERE!   Share your story, have you ever allowed a lost love to distract you from daily life?  The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.  Chapter 1: The Loitering Bachelor. In chapter one of "Wrong Vengeance", the main character, Brandy encounters the unwanted advances of a no-good man who represents everything she's trying to run from. A quick run to the convenience store, late at night, turned into a fight for demanding respect as well as driving the point of rejection home for the "Loitering Bachelor".  What is a "Loitering Bachelor"? A single, or not so single, guy who stands outside of a store. He's lurking b/c he has nothing else better to do but get phone numbers from women who are out of his league. Usually he's unkept, jobless, and has no ambition for success. Everyday he wakes up and leave the house just to LOITER. Waiting for a woman to be captivated by his lies, only to use her for every good thing she has. Personal Experience It always happens on the days I need to run in and out of the store. I don't mind saying "hello" or even giving small talk. But there's a type of man who doesn't understand the "I'm not interested" language. Sometimes I tell a white lie and say I'm taken. Then there's a follow up "Well can you have friends?". I get the persistence, however, if the tables were turned, a woman would appear to be crazy or unstable. Why can't these guys take the hint. Also, things can turn violent. Men whose egos are bruised tend to call you out of your name and get aggressive. So what is a woman to do in these situations. Give out the phone number anyway? I've done that, then ignore the texts/calls. Not all men get this treatment. The ones who are polite, charming, and even funny is able to get my attention. However, these "loitering bachelors" who KNOW they have no interest in anything beyond the bedroom or using a woman tend to be pushy. What's your Loitering Bachelor Story? Share your "Loitering Bachelor" story in the comments below!  About Wrong Vengeance Brandy deals with the type of man she’s grown to despise. It’s hard for her not to turn into what destroyed her emotionally. She knew better. Knew she deserved better, but love…It ends in a nearly fatal disaster. Brandy was lucky to have fled the grasp of the pain attempting to draw her back in. Moving on, life deals her a good hand in love. However, the pain of what she escaped lingers; slowly releasing the monster within. Will she allow past hurt to eliminate future happiness? A constant replay of a bad experience can kill a good thing. It’s even worse when you’re becoming the Heartbreak. Don't have the book yet? Order your copy today! Available on MULTIPLE eBook platforms. Paperback copies exclusively available on Amazon! BONUS! Get a sneak peek of Chapter 1: The Loitering Bachelor, from Wrong Vengeance HERE! Don't forget to share your story below!  The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey. |
"I LOVE to write and create. These are the diaries of how I work and deal in my world of writing and LIFE!"
- The Blakk Dahlia from the Heartbreak Diaries Book Series
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