Why Am I Here?

Photo Credit: Kadijah Watkins

“I ask myself what am I doing here?...” – Alessia Cara

The Thoughts of Failing. My third night in New York, the fear started to set in. As I laid in bed, in the dark, I kept asking myself, “What am I doing?” “Why am I here?” I came up here with a plan, but…was it a SOLID plan. Given the history with some of my past “plans”, they tend to fail. I didn’t want to fail. I felt like failure was waiting right outside of my bedroom door, ready to greet me with his presence.
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The Fear of the Unknown. Throughout the process of planning and executing my “faith move”, my doubts were overshadowed by my excitement of FINALLY getting out of GA. But once the plane ride landed, the day of exploration was done, and reality settled in, fear popped up and said, “Hey girl, Hey!”

With any new venture there’s always the “what ifs” and possibilities of falling straight on your ass. I was afraid that falling would send be running back home with my tail between my legs. Not that I care a lot about what others think, but I didn’t want to let myself down.

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The Talent Agency Meeting. In my journey of continuing modeling and pursuing acting, I’ve dealt with agencies here and there in Atlanta. It’s been rough but in order for me to reach my goals, I knew I needed a good machine behind me to help in my development and to keep me competitive in this new market.

Booked a meeting with a talent agency, step one complete right? I thought I’d walk in, flash a smile and put on my southern charm as I explain what I’ve done (I do have a pretty good resume), in turn, they would tell me areas of improvement and how they could help me. WRONG! I’ve never felt so unprepared in my life! The questions flew at me like a flash of light. By the time I answered one, another was being thrown at me. Not being ready for the fast pace conversation made me feel like I’ve never even took an important meeting such as this before. I’ve been signed, I’ve taken meetings, and I’ve had opportunities afforded to me. So why was I acting like a beginner?

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As the meeting went on, I knew I was done for. The agent was not fond of my head shots, I had issues pulling up my previous work, and the monologue that I’d been reciting at my cubicle, in the car, and throughout my apartment in Marietta was not coming to me when I needed it to. Let’s just say I blew it.

Walking out of the office, hearing the “We’ll let you know” phrase that really meant thank you for wasting my time, ringing in my head pulled my mood all the way down. So down that only a rum and coke with a call to my best friend would only help pick me up. But after the disappointment dust settled, I decided to take it as a learning opportunity. I’ve done great work and I can take what I had and use it to push me forward.

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One mistake I made was that I didn’t walk into that office with the confidence that I KNOW I have. I got into my head, got in my own way. It wasn’t Alexcina Brown, the model/actress in that office. It was plain old Elana “maybe I’m in the wrong place” Brown standing in front of him.

With future meetings, I have to give myself a pep talk, rehearse my monologues that I KNOW I can deliver and walk into any office showing them that they need me on their roster. I appreciate my agency meeting bomb. It was just the practice and preparation I needed for the next big meeting.

….Stay Tuned.

The New Outlook: I’m NOT Going Back Home. In this moment, I had two choices. Allow that fear to take over and run back to my comfort zone OR actually give myself a fair chance. In this fair chance, I took on the understanding that everything isn’t going to be perfect or even go my way from the start. But, in making the decision to take whatever comes my way with an open mind and an opportunity for growth.

So here I am, sticking it out. It’s not easy, though the pictures and status updates may appear as me living my best life (don’t get me wrong I am living it up), everything isn’t peachy. Money doesn’t stretch as it did in GA, adjusting to the workings of a new city and its people can be frustrating. On top of that, the hustle of the city can eat you alive if you allow it. But in order to reach higher heights, you have to do what you’ve never done before. 

Tell me...What do you do to combat fear, when you're embarking on a new journey? ​​​

​The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.