Desk Note from the Heartbreak Diaries Series.
You're not his woman, nor does he have the desire for you to be. You're just filling space until the original owner comes back OR until he finds a better fit. You know, the one he’d be willing to put in the work for. Not you though. I call this position, the seat filler. There's nothing wrong with you, he just doesn’t see you as "the one".
Now think of the responsibilities of a REAL seat filler. They attend the award show, get called to a particular seat if they have a certain look or just next in line. They can’t get too comfortable no matter how good the show is. The star returns, and the seat filler is escorted back to the holding area. THAT’S what you are in his life.
If you are fully aware of when you’re in this position and decide to move forward anyway, understand that it’ll never be a win/win situation. You won’t get “camera time” (No social media sightings), no red carpet appearances (date nights), and you’ll never be welcomed to the stage during the highlights of his life. And at the end of the night, when your duties are complete, you’ll be sent to the back before the show is over.
Don’t invest too much in this position. It’s just temporary fun. And know that you do have the option to get up and sit in a section that is meant for you.
I've often found myself in this position. So much to the point where I started recognizing that I was a seat filler and became "ok" with it. I understood that any day the phone calls and texts would stop, no more "quality time", no more intimate hugs in pubic. Whether I'd be warned beforehand or not, there would come a time when I would be forced to let go. Then I had the nerve to be shocked about it. But the ending would appear out of nowhere. When I wasn’t ready to let go. Like a roller coaster stopping the ride after the first big loop.
Oh that’s it?!
Over time I realized that, in a way, I inflicted this pain on myself. I knew the risks and I knew the results but I kept it going anyway.
On an episode of The Golden Girls I remember Blanche telling Rose: "Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way we want it to, so we have to grab our happiness however we can get it". I used to live by this. Telling myself that if I couldn’t have him the way I wanted, I'd settle for whatever I could get.
But when does a person come to the point where the constant disappointment and heart ache is enough? If I’m just going to end up alone, why not stay that way. Why was I giving so much to someone who gave so little? Was I not worth more? Did he not understand that I’m worth more?
Doesn’t matter. I wasn’t it for him. For whatever reason, I didn’t do it for him. My only job was to “fill the space”.
So tell me. What section are you sitting in?
Welcome the HEARTBREAK!
Learn more about the Heartbreak Diaries Series and the first entry
"Rushing to Distraction" coming June 22nd!
It wasn’t planned but, here we go…
I was on the hunt. The AMAZING APARTMENT HUNT IN NYC. I’ll have to tell you about that one later. But once I found my personal space…I had to wait. Wait to move in that is. So where was I going to go? I was tired of being in someone’s place as I’m 32, I need to be an adult….sometimes. The good thing about New York being a major city, MANY HOTELS. The bad thing about New York being a major city, MANY HOTELS. I had to narrow down where I was going to lay my head for a good price.
With the help of a few sites, Kayak.com, Expedia, and HotelTonight, I was able to go on an unplanned expedition. A hotel tour.
Now why didn’t I just book a hotel or an Airbnb for two weeks and stay put? Great question. The answer, I didn’t know the actual move-in date. Yea, another “Welcome to New York”. Days of emails, phones calls, emails phone calls, and waiting for returned emails put a sister in one hell of a position. A position of the “unknown”. Glad that I’d eventually have a roof over my head, but anxious about when and how much it’ll cost me in the meantime.
First up on the list, The Franklin Hotel. An Upper Eastside boutique hotel, located in a nice area with shopping, cafes, and nice bistros to pop in for a good lunch. The staff was amazing and helpful. Took my bags up to the room, very friendly, and explained all the perks that came along with my stay. One of my favs, along with the free breakfast, free wine and cheese EVERY night from 5-6:30pm. Rushing home after work, I was treated to a relaxing hour of my choice or red/white wine and assorted cheeses to get me in the mood for writing (the Heartbreak Diaries). Now let’s talk about the room. Fit for a pleasant staycation, my room was a resort of its own. Decorated with vintage style furniture and artwork, I was treated to a view of museums every morning when I woke up. I even had a nice chandelier in my room! A few days there was just what I needed to face the continuous unknown “joys” of the apartment stuff.
Upon finding out “No you’re not moving in just yet”. I was on the hunt for another place as extending my time at The Franklin would extend my pockets that I just couldn’t do. Checking out of the Franklin, I found a reasonably priced room at the Days Inn on 96th street to spend the next few days. The staff was VERY helpful and pleasant. Location was GREAT as it had eateries in walking distance and the subway a few blocks over. However, the room…..ehhhh….not my fav. So I’ll just leave it at that.
Then, I was off to Hampton Inn-Times Square North. It was the weekend and I wanted to spend it locked in a nice room, writing! This spacious luxury was close to EVERYTHING I needed! I had TWO queen beds all to myself, big bathroom and the perks of a hot meal in the morning complimentary of the hotel of course. They also provided coffee/tea 24 hours. I was spending my weekend in Times Square! Taking a break from writing, I ventured out to check out the scene. Seeing the beauty of Times Square put me back into the mind frame of why I came to NYC in the first place. I needed that reminder, especially with all the trouble I was going through. Spent some time at a cool bar, The Three Monkeys - American Bar, trying out new beer and eating garlic fries for the first time, I was well on my way to rejuvenation. The next morning, I set my alarm clock, so I wouldn’t miss breakfast and got some much-needed rest in my comfy bed.
Sunday was check-out, and NO you’re not ready just yet to move in. May Monday. Back to my trusty app, I found a gem! $88 a night for another luxury pleasure at the Hilton Garden Inn Times Square (8th Ave). Pleasant staff, another hot meal in the books for breakfast and 24hour coffee and tea just for me! This room was a glorious splendor as once again I had two queen beds to choose from in a big space, my room was located in the perfect position. The sunlight light up the room as it was the BEST place to write, catch up on the Housewives and prepare for the upcoming week. Had to snap a few mirror selfies in the bathroom as the mirror was lit like a celebrity’s dressing area creating the perfect glow. I did NOT want to leave but “maybe Monday” was waiting for me. Right? WRONG!
Next up on the tour, Wyndham New Yorker Hotel. Nice place, very big, the room was vintage decorum but….the Hilton Garden Inn spoiled me. It didn’t do it for me. I don’t know what it was but….It just wasn’t it. It could have been the stress from the non-move in. However, they did have a nice restaurant, Trattoria Bianca, inside where I enjoyed a tasty rum and coke at the bar. Spending my time there watching the Bulls play, I met a foreign businessman who bought me a glass of wine. A few sentences later, I received an invitation to his room. Are you serious?!?! I’m dealing with some real life ish and you think I’m going to come up to your room!?? Nah bruh I gotta go! Thanks for the wine sir. **rolls eyes**
Another swipe on HotelTonight App and I found a good price at St. Giles-The Court. Which should be called St NIGHTMARE! The staff was lovely as I checked, I found a great room adorned with unique décor, big bed, spacious bathroom, and a secret area in the room draped with wine glasses. Dainty right? It also had a comfy chaise style chair right in front of the TV where I spent most of my evening. When it was time to lay down, the nightmare began. I woke up to itchy skin, and numerous bites on my body. Oh hell no! This can’t be what I think it is. Running late for work, I flipped up sheets and then my pillows only to discover a critter chillin on the cool side of the pillow. To my surprise, the dahlia didn’t sleep alone! Uninvited guests who did NOT chip in on the room stayed with me, feasting on my sensitive skin. Rushing to work swelling up, I sent a lengthy email along with pictures to the hotel, along with the Better Business Bureau. I’m not finished with them!
More emails, calls, and another email. Oh girl you’re still on tour. Greeeeaaaat! To the rescue, courtesy of unlocking a new level on HotelTonight, the next tour stop was Hampton Inn Madison Square. After walking over an hour to find the place, THANKS Googlemaps, I settled in a nice room, coffee and tea available, multiple channels on the TV, and some writing time. I was able to get A LOT of work done here but apprehensive to lay down, due to my previous scare at St. Giles. I enjoyed my two-day stay as I ran late because of the tasty breakfast served each morning. And they didn’t give the same treats every day! Gotta love variety!
Glady, Hampton Inn Madison Square was the final leg on my Hotel Tour. I was able to move into my apartment and enjoy settling MY OWN ISH! Now I didn’t leave each tour stop without special gifts. I’m an avid collector of bath soap, shampoo, conditioner, lotion, face soap, and whatever they had laid out for me. I even came across a “vanity kit”. Which included q-tips and a cotton ball. Nice!
Although I had an allergic reaction due to St. Giles’ staff negligence I learned to enjoy my hotel tour and found a great app for traveling. I guess this journey was meant to be in my NYC Living. Wonder what the next journey will entail.
Stay tuned…And don’t forget to download the app, HotelTonight K?
Just give me a minute outside of this “New York Minute”!
The city moves way too fast. People are speed walking, cars going, trains moving (unless you’re late for work, then there’s a delay ugh). But all in all, you need a minute. Everything that should be a simple process causes hours/days/weeks/months of complication if you let it. Learning to adjust to it can be overwhelming but the beauty of the city makes it all worth it. While working out the kinks of getting used to NYC, it treats you to places and spaces to catch a breather. You must look for it or in my case, randomly run into it when life is keeping me on the go.
Why It’s Important to Take That Time?
You can’t allow the makings of a place defeat you. One would think that figuring out the train system is the key to the city. That’s only a portion. Simple gatherings of getting an apartment, getting a job, learning the areas, and even the makings of the people. All the while pursuing your dreams and keeping yourself above water so you’re not on the first flight home. For me, it seems as if every time I was stable in my adulting and I was on my way to get entrepreneurship endeavors together, something out of nowhere went wrong! Now I must take my focus off my dreams to fix something that should have stayed in an established state. That can be VERY overwhelming. So what can I do? Take a break. Through this city, I’ve not only found “Museums” but place of refuge to BREATHE. During these moments, I’m reminded of why I came here in the first place and the thoughts of running back to GA for good simple fade away.
Places like Central Park, walking down 125th seeing the booming businesses murals and the makings of Harlem. And even the building structures downtown can bring you right back to the spirit of the city! When I walk through the city without thinking of the pushy people, horns of impatient drivers, or the complicated measures for the most simplistic things, I say to myself "Now I remember why I came! THIS is what I live for!"
What to Focus on?
During these meditation moments, I think about what's going right instead of what's going wrong. Focusing on the blessings is a way to get back centered and not allowing a bad day or few minutes control me. Remember it's not a bad life, just a bad day. This also helps in regaining focus on the work I need to do. While my mind is in overdrive, I can't seem to remember everything on my "to do" list.
Take that time. You deserve it. Taking care of your mental health is essential in conquering the concrete jungle. You’re a survivor and you can make it. Just take a minute!
Where do you go to "check out" when you're overwhelmed?
Oh so we’re just gonna act like that didn’t happen!?!
Venturing throughout this city, I have found the most unusual quirks, people, settings, and daily routines. I guess these factors are what makes New York...New York. One common denominator is, people just accept it "as is”. No major complaints or that brave soul to stand up and say "Hey, that's weird. Stop it!" New Yorkers go on about their day as if they'd be lost if these occurrences didn’t happen.
I've talked about subway rides before. (Check out “Welcome to New York: The Subway Story”). People getting up speaking their truth, pleading a case for money (which happens everywhere). Within the station, you have your indie and starving artists entertaining the masses with drums, guitars, and a mic stand hoping to get discovered or at least a few dollars to last them for the week. I respect the hustle!
But you haven’t experience a TRUE subway ride unless you’ve seen a full on magic show. Yep, colorful scarves, card tricks, and even a rabbit out of the box. Now how do you hide a rabbit and make it just "appear" on a train!? And it’s the SAME magician hops from car to car putting on his show. Now I love the entertainment but no one thinks that’s a bit…different. And there is no, hey cut the music down or I’m not in the mood for a magic show today….hard day at work. Whatever the space or the crowd’s mood, the show goes on!
Let’s not forget about the dance crews hopping on a semi-crowded car. Looking normal as ever. Just a couple of guys going on about their day on public transportation. Until… You hear a request for riders to clear a path in the middle so they can successfully do their routine. That is when you know, a show is about to begin. Flips on the poles (not in a stripperish way), body contortions, break dancing, and GOD knows what else.
Then there’s the unorganized randoms. The flashy man blasting this reggae song on a portable radio and keeping it on repeat. Is this his music?! Promoting that mixtape “coming soon” bruh? At least skip to the next track. And I’ll never forget that GOD forsaking chorus line, nor the seated dance moves accompanied with it.
And just when you think you’re going to have a normal ride home, a man standing by the door in head phones carries out his “dance dance revolution” routine. Nobody bothers him, nobody cares. It’s just a normal day on the subway.
No one put these performers on a schedule. No one asked for it. But one thing I know for sure, when the entertainment is done, be prepared to dig for dollars or change to support the arts.
Now let’s step off the train. Police officers in full gear with rifles. RIFLES!?!? What happened? Oh nothing they are just set on ready just in case something major happens. And with NYC being a target for terrorist attacks, I’m actually glad for that anomalous.
All the while, I look around and it’s normal. Not a lot of people recording on their camera phone as if it's a wondrous sight, no one complains, no one cares. Just keeping it moving as if this is a normal day. That's just the way it is.
Welcome to my new normal...Gotta LOVE New York!
The Blakk Dahlia’s Weekend at NYFW
Anyone who knows me, knows that I LOVE NYFW. Living in GA I tried to make it up here but since I’m a resident, EVEN BETTER. Using my pull as a media rep for my magazine BRASH! Magazine, I was able to gain access to this season’s hottest shows put on by grand production companies and notable designers. Although I couldn’t make it out to a few shows as planned, I was able to spend the weekend traveling all the way from Canarsie to Manhattan to be in the building for some good fashions!
Style Fashion Week, never disappoints as they line up show, after show, after show of great designers topping themselves with new/one-of-a-kind designs. Just when you think it couldn’t get any better, IT DOES!
This year, the venue was PACKED with fashion lovers, media, and celebrities. All to see Draya Michelle’s Mint Swimwear line. The show was amazing and worth the wait in the long line getting pushed and dealing with the club-like atmosphere of “oh yes you can come in”, “wait a minute”, “oh no the line for you is over here!” But, hey it happens.
But once inside, all of that went away as I stood stage side getting the first peek of the beautiful models sashaying down the runway in sexy, classy, and unique swimwear!
Now let’s talk about Saturday. Woke up early to preparing to be in #modelmode to participate in a Love Yourself Campaign Shoot, and then another shoot on the streets of Manhattan, I had to jump into media mode for Stevie Boi’s show.
This fashion show was very chic and exclusive giving me the reason why NYFW is worth running around New York making it from show to show. From eyeballing legends like Whoopi Goldberg and my fav VH1 stars to witnessing PINK fashions in stylish variations coming down the runway. And these models WERKED IT!
I’m so looking forward to next season of NYFW. It won’t be as cold and I know these designers are getting busy at wowing the crowds in their shows. Now let me get on this networking, so I can get more invites!
E. Alexcina Brown
I just like to write and create stuff. These are the diaries of how I'm living in NYC with sprinkles of life lessons I've learned along the way!