Inspired by the book, Devastation or Destiny??? (The Settled Heart), from the Heartbreak Diaries Series
Women are charged to “take whatever they can get” because of the myth that there’s not a lot of good men out there. That myth is FALSE! But what is true is that more than often, the good men aren’t paired with good women. Recipe for disaster in the end. However, not all relationships end because of infidelity and mind games. Some matches aren’t simply compatible with each other, and that’s okay. Whether its lifestyle choices, goals, and different views on how relationships operate, if it won’t fit in the long run, its best to know up front. But…there’s always that question of What if…?
“He fits my heart, but doesn’t fit my life…”
Scenario: You meet a guy, he says the right things, takes you on the perfect dates, engages in the most substance filled conversations. And on the other hand, he’s not into traveling, a strict homebody, and has traditional views on a woman’s place in the world. Now, if you love this, he’s the guy for you. What if you meet this type of guy and you’re the total opposite? You crave the adventure; you travel a lot for work; and is adapted to a more modernized version of women in the world. How do you continue the relationship without losing yourself? Do you let it go without feeling the pressure of living the rest of your life alone? Is there even room for compromise?
A similar scenario was outlined in a few episodes of Girlfriends. Darnell was a good, hard-working man but he was happy where he was. Mya, on the other hand, was introduced to a different type of life which consisted of her going back to school to enhance her career, shopping at more expensive places, and living in another area (just to name a few). Overtime, influenced by her circle, she grew into being the opposite of him. Granted they’d been together since their teenage years. This ultimately resulted in the demise of their marriage. Now, the silver lining was that after a few years, they found their way back to each other.
As we all know, life isn’t a sitcom, and these days, when it’s over, it over! Communication extends to adamantly demanding what you want/what you don’t want, forgetting about the potential growth of love, then moving on to the next. Which is not always a bad thing. Verbalizing your wants and needs out of life is a great way to prevent wasting time. However, some may always think about the road not taken.
I’ve had this fear of my own. Thinking I’d wake up one day in a great relationship yet unhappy because I’ve compromised way too much of myself to be in love. It appears that certain types of women have to choose between love and lifestyle. Why is that so? Why is it difficult to simply find your equal? Is there an unspoken choice to make between loving yourself and loving another?
“Maybe if I stick around, the tradeoff won’t be that bad…”
In the book Devastation or Destiny???, Tanya didn’t leave after knowing that Kenneth was a “Traditional Man” while she preferred more adventure in her life. The love was way too great to let go. But was it really love or a sense of a controlling nature to mold her into his perfect idea of a woman? She found herself constantly contemplating and questioning whether or not her decision to live in a place where she didn’t want to call home. Along with him wanting to change her outlook on what married life should look like. All of this eventually resulted in the “Devastation”. The regret, heartbreak, and time invested into the relationship could have been avoided by her not giving in to his “rules”. Though in her eyes, the end of their love would yield greater pain compare to giving up the life she wanted.
Over time, some relationships have evolved and both partners were able to grow together. Unfortunately, this isn’t a perfect world and often adults are stuck in their ways and a few of the aforementioned items are non-negotiable. The great dates, conversations, and time-spent are distant memories and someone is thrown back to the drawing board.
No matter the choices made, the great thing about life, it’ll always work out for your benefit. Just keep living and loving yourself unapologetically.
Comment your thoughts below, and find out how “The Settled Heart” heals in the emotional romance story, “Devastation or Destiny???”
The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.
Walking away because it’s the right thing to do or staying with a forbidden love that feels so right.
Blog inspired by the book, The Perfect Sin (The Selfish Heart), from the Heartbreak Diaries Series
When I was young, I learned that forbidden actions yield bad consequences. As I grew older, I found through experience that although doing wrong…is wrong; it could give great pleasure in certain circumstances. Whether or not that pleasure lasted, depended on the situation. But looking back on certain decisions, I can honestly say: “It wasn’t all bad.” When dealing with the matters of the heart, loving someone who may seem like that “wrong person” but right in your heart can result in conflicted feelings.
How can something that feels so good, causes you to hide it from the world?
On paper, it's all bad. He can’t be touched, it isn’t right. He belongs to someone else. Why won’t he just leave if he’s unhappy, then focus on building with you? That would be easy, but when you fall fast and hard, it can be impossible to abruptly stop. Then there’s the million-dollar question of, Will he do that to you one day? In your mind, you have all the right answers…
…but in your heart, it’s the fire that keeps it pumping. The touch that makes you come alive, and happiness one would never think of gaining. You know it’s real, but you’re afraid to tell anyone because in moral terms it's wrong to be in his company.
So, it has to stay in secret. You’re in love and you want to shout it to the world, but there will be loads of backlash and judgment will be ready to come your way. Feeling this way doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person, but it’ll be hard to shake that reputation with your good acts moving forward. You’re living in it daily; toggling with what’s morally right and wrong. All the while fighting the urge to simply stay away.
What kind of love is this?
It’s a selfish love with the unintentional pain pushed onto an innocent party. It turns into Love and War. A war that may end in a heart casualty. Knowing that someone is at risk of being alone and heartbroken should be enough to walk away. But why deprive your own heart just to please someone you don’t even know? A few may say the right thing should be done out of respect, besides, because karma knows all of our addresses. But when happiness and real love are involved, those instances are moved further away from your mind; killing the moral fibers. The heart is released and a great love affair commences. You soon give in, understanding that you too, deserve the romantic love.
Is There A Cure?
The cure for the entanglement of whether to go with your heart or your mind isn’t always easy. It’s a big risk as in either case, you could end up alone. The karma may come causing a massive heartbreak OR you walk away knowing you’ve done the right thing but spending lonely nights wondering what could have been.
These thoughts are honest and vulnerable. As irresponsible as they may sound, people deal with these mental conflicts more often than they’d like to admit. It's best to find a safe space to sort out these feelings and make the best decision for yourself. You don’t want to look back and regret going down an unknown road that leads to pain. How to deal? It's up to you. This is a non-judgment zone.
The Selfish Heart
In the book, The Perfect Sin, Jennifer is faced with a conundrum. Meeting the man of her dreams who just happens to be attached. All of the good ones are. However, she finds that the love she has for him is equally reciprocated. Falling in love with an “untouchable” man can be quite costly. And throughout the story, she’s faced with the price and the questions of if it’s worth the “sin”.
About The Perfect Sin
Jennifer's life was on the brink of gaining full control in all areas until a series of losses, (job, livelihood, love, independence) threw her into a downward spiral. Climbing her way back up, she meets "him". Darren appears to have his eye on career and family only, but Jennifer wants his focus on her. It was innocent in the beginning, but a sinister force draws her to a man that is not available. He doesn't resist, equally giving into the force, slowly pulling them into a love that was not supposed to happen.
Dive into the SIN with the latest release from the Heartbreak Diaries Series.
Preview the book The Perfect Sin HERE!
"I just like to write and create stuff. These are the diaries of how I'm living in NYC with sprinkles of life lessons I've learned along the way!"
- The Blakk Dahlia
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