 The gloom and doom of 2020 have shifted us. Our minds are no longer finding the newness. Yes, we’ve developed creative ways to cope…but is it enough. Are we waking up happy or just rolling over into the next day because the sun is up? This message is for me as well. Since March, I’ve felt as if I were in the “Twighlight Zone”. Uncertain times are scary and it has done a number on my mental health. Finding new (and old) activities have helped me discover a better balance to this “New Normal”. During this time, I’ve found new TV series and movies, perfected my craft in iPhone Photography, stayed connected with close friends/family, along with getting more work done for my book series promotions. While waiting for the world to fully reopen, I’m continuing to rebuild myself mentally and physically. Take this moment to find that zest for life again. What gets you out of bed? What motivates you? What drives you to get through the day? Get that fire back to LIVE and stop simply existing!   The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.
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 A healthy conversation inspired by the book, “Rushing to Distraction” (The Foolish Heart) HIM: “She knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship.” HER: “He knew I wanted to be with him and kept treating me like his girlfriend.”  Dating is tough. In current times, the “getting to know you” phase has turned into “Hey, let’s pretend we’re in a relationship…but you can’t claim me though”. Things move way too fast, resulting in developed feelings that are often hurt because nothing progresses. Girlfriend/boyfriend benefits are given without merit, while in the end…somebody will come to the conclusion that they aren’t ready. In most cases, it’s the man who initiates the conversations of “I’m not ready for what you want.” OR “It takes time for me to get there.” When spoken with genuine intentions, there’s nothing wrong with expressing the need to slow down on the emotion train. However, why would she play a role for weeks or months with no return on the investment? And his excuse, “She knew what it was.” But if we break this down logically, HE KNEW as well. Disclaimer: This blog isn’t to bash the male species. Just giving facts to induce healthy conversations. You don’t have to agree, but just know that WE ALL should pay attention to hints and red flags. Now that’s out of the way, let’s approach this one from a woman’s perspective, shall we?  Her Red Flags In today’s culture, women are charged with the responsibility of knowing the signs; recognizing red flags. What we’ve forgotten is that women can give off red flags too.
Instead of taking these as a warning sign, men tend to pick up on these vibes and use them to their advantage. Because at the end of the day, “I told her I didn’t want a relationship.” Well, she said that she wanted one. Shouldn’t he share the blame when sh*t hits the fan? To be fair, no woman should give her all when she’s not receiving what she deserves and desires. So, let’s not use this as an excuse to be foolish ladies. However, you’re not 100% responsible for allowing things to go too far. Because “He knew what it was, too!”  How Was She Supposed to Know? Yes, women tend to get ahead of themselves. Mentally planning an extravagant relationship after a few dates. Hearing what she wants to hear…the list can go on. But while he’s treating her like a girlfriend AND expecting boyfriend benefits, is she wrong for feeling like a relationship was on the horizon? He pursued her, he opened up to her, all of his time outside of work and with friends was spent with her, he expected intimacy (SEX), he did romantic things, called her pet names like “babe”, “sweetie”. But at the end of the day, that’s all it was and having a friend was satisfying to him. So, while he’s taking the memories as just that and moves on, she’s stuck with feelings that she didn’t ask for in the first place. In these scenarios, people would say, “Well he DID tell you he wasn’t ready.” Yes, it’s best to listen to the truths spoken. However, the actions didn’t align with what he “didn’t want”. Aren’t we supposed to pay attention to one’s actions versus their words?  Why Lie? How many times have we heard, “Men will say anything to get what they want.” ‘Tis true but why? Why lie just to get what you want out of a person? There are plenty of women who want a “no strings attached” type of relationship. But for some reason, hopeless romantics tend to end up with the guy who just isn’t ready. Lies can destroy everything. In many cases, women are lied to, to keep the facade going. Being that lies have to be told, shows that the man understands she wants to be with him, however, he had no plans on doing the same. So, subconsciously he saw the red flags, right? But he’s having such a great time that he’s not ready for it to end. (Yea, yea I know, women lie too!). Major Key: If you need to lie to get what you want you know you’re doing wrong. Just Leave Her the Hell Alone! “You know I was fine before you came into my life, right?” The chase. Oh, how we LOVE the chase! To women, it’s a sign of “Oh my God, this is it!”. To men, just another conquest to feed the male ego.  “Good morning beautiful” texts, communicating on the regular, almost begging to spend time with her. But that’s just the beginning actions. They don’t last, they tend to fizzle over time. In many cases, when she begins to return the gestures, emotions, and feelings, he backs away because he’s not ready. For some reason, once she’s into him, he realizes “Oops, I don’t want a relationship”. But she knew what it was. Wait…did he not know where things were headed? Why pull out when things are looking to get serious? Should have just left her alone in the first place.  I’m Sorry?!?! At the end of it all, there’s THE CONVERSATION. Women disguise it as closure but deep down, she’s trying one last time to convince him of her devotion. “Hopefully he’ll see how much I’m invested in this and he’ll change”. WRONG! I don’t even know why men engage in the ending conversation because all they have to offer is an "I’m sorry”. Initially, she doesn’t want to hear, “I’m sorry”. Those words aren’t satisfactory when her heart and hopes are crushed. Her time was wasted, she told and showed him what she wanted. “I’m sorry” doesn’t get that time back nor erase the feelings. “I’m sorry” doesn’t heal the pain of him knowing in the first place that he didn’t want to be with her but kept stringing her along.
 In each case, everyone should approach dating with honesty, realistic expectations, accountability, and respect. And most importantly, take your time. You don’t have to rush into the actions of relationship matters. Enjoy dating! To dive more into this concept, check out the book, Rushing to Distraction (The Foolish Heart), from the Heartbreak Diaries Book Series.  What are your thoughts? Whether you agree or disagree, let’s have a healthy conversation!  The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey. Important details I didn’t think about until the night before I published my book  I always had my sight publishing books and showcasing my creative work to the world. However, at a younger age, I just knew a book deal was going to come my way. I know how to write so it’s easy right? WRONG? As I grew older, I realized the constant work, rejection, restrictions, and obstacles that come along with writing and publishing under a company. I then asked myself: Why do I have to wait on the chance to become a published author when the digital era has created a way for me to give myself that chance? Don’t get me wrong, if the opportunity presents itself GO FOR IT! However, I wanted the freedom to begin publishing my work on my terms. Also, show authenticity in displaying growth in my work, while my audience grows with me. In learning these lessons of being a self-published author, I thought I’d share the wealth. Some tips you may already know and others you probably wouldn’t think about until it’s time to click the button, PUBLISH. Ready? Here we go!  #1 Remember: You’re on Your Own The main reason it’s called being a “self-published” author is that you’re doing EVERYTHING by yourself. Of course, there are freelancers, companies, and professionals who can assist with editing, book cover artwork, promotions, etc. (Take advantage of their services when possible) But there is no publishing company guiding you along the way. That in itself is overwhelming. Just thinking of the laundry list of “Things to Do” to write and prepare your book for publishing can send anyone running for the hills. Don’t let that discourage you. There are blogs, articles, and indie author resources available that can aid in each step of the self-publishing journey. (This blog is one of them.) READ THEM, jot down notes and create an outline of what you need from start to finish. Learning things along the way is normal, however, being prepared will help you stay on task prevent you from having to push your release back another month.  #2 Book Logistics You’ve written your book, made the necessary changes from the editing process, now you’re ready to go. Nope, you’re not. Book logistics are what I like to call the information printed on what is called a copyright page. The copyright page is where your reader will find out who owns the written work. This information serves to protect you legally, format your book professionally, provide details of the unique identifiers of your book (i.e. ISBN), and provide the book’s credits and/or edition (if included in a series). It is also a best practice to provide a disclaimer: Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Whether you’re publishing non-fiction, fiction, or a memoir; the disclaimer sets the tone for the style of the book. It also protects you from any liability that may arise if you’re writing about people, events, and/or a specialty (even if you’re not a professional in that field). Disclaimer: The Book Designer outlined great disclaimer options to use as examples in their 2010 blog, "6 Copyright Page Disclaimers to Copy and Paste, and Giving Credit". Copyright Page Example: This is a work of fiction, although experiences are based on some true events of the author. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is coincidental. Cover Copyright © 2019 by E. Alexcina Brown Cover design by Fearless Vision Marketing DEVASTATION OR DESTINY??? the Heartbreak Diaries Book Series. July 4, 2019. ISBN: 978-1075304767. Copyright © 2019 The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown). Written by The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown). Published by The Blakk Dahlia 2019. #3 Pre-Order Deadlines Oh, how we love to procrastinate. As a self-published author, we enjoy the freedom of creating and adhering to our own deadlines. However, when submitting your book to sell online, PLEASE make sure your manuscript is ready to go when it’s time to upload. Retailers like Amazon, allow you to set up your book by creating the description, choosing categories, upload book cover and more without uploading the manuscript. That way you’re able to have your book page available for interested parties to pre-order.  Take heed to the date given to have your FINAL manuscript ready and available. This is important because those who have pre-ordered your book will automatically receive it on their kindle device on the release date. Whatever is uploaded will be sent to your customer. Make sure your best and final product is delivered to their device to enjoy! The great thing about this is that Amazon Kindle will send you reminder emails to give a heads up on the last date and time to upload. TIP: Research pre-order deadlines on your desired platform 2 to 3 months before the release date. This also helps in gaining momentum on your promotions and lock in early sales.  #4 Book Formatting Technically my first published work was an e-guide “7-Day Guide to Forget About Your Heartbreak”. This process was easy as it was created on one platform, Canva, downloaded via PDF and uploaded to each medium to distribute. However, formatting an ebook and a novel are two different things. What we tend to forget is that we have to manually format the documents in preparing the margins, gutter, bleed, paper size, etc. That isn’t automatically done because as we all know books can be published in various sizes. Luckily our friends at Amazon provide downloadable templates for various book sizes to cut/paste your manuscript OR just review the layout and input it within your document (my fav so that I don’t have to reformat the book text). In addition, other platforms (i.e. Draft2Digital) provides you with guidelines and tips on how to format your book so that your chapters are distinguished, for example.  Publishing my first book was definitely a learning process. Along with publishing my second and third books. In my case, the fourth time was the charm! Hopefully, these tidbits will help you create a process that will be smooth sailing in self-publishing your book(s). Self-published authors & aspiring authors share what you’ve learned or are currently learning in the comments below! The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey. Do You Stay Where You Are...Or Take a Risk to Try Again? Book Chat for the book, Devastation or Destiny???  The Gamble It's a crapshoot, in leaving "all you know" to venture out into the "unknown". In love, it's no different. Those who have left long-term relationships (for whatever reason) have jumped back into the dating world, only to find that they could have kept what they had. But, in a good moment, being in the right place at the right time, the Universe sprinkles that spark down on you placing you in fates hands. In the end, these moments reveal exactly why things didn't work out in the comfort zone of your heart. Have You Ever Settled for Love out of Fear? Everyone wants to love and to be in love. So much that they’ve accepted lowered standards or a life in which they didn’t desire, just to have that. In some cases, they live happily ever after. Although, there’s always that itch for something more, or what’s on the other side of that fear. We should never take “whatever” that is handed to us, due to the fear of being alone. The mind isn’t operating out a sense of self-awareness. It's in survival mode. And once in survival mode, you’ll do anything to hold on to that love. Even if it means a daily compromise of yourself with nothing in return.  In Devastation or Destiny???, Tanya was faced with a BIG curveball which led to the demise of her relationship. One that she felt would last forever. In losing something so major, piled on top of the pain, humiliation, and lowered self-esteem; she was faced with an opportunity to start over. Then, the opportunity to go back to the comfort zone presents itself leaving her with the decision of, “What life do I choose? The one I want, OR the one in which I know how the story will end.”  About Devastation or Destiny??? (The Settled Heart) Tanya found her happy ending, but it wasn’t the one she wrote. A lover of adventure and exploration found the heart of a hard-working traditional man. Kenneth is unwilling to take on her dreams, however, he gives the greatest love with no reservations. As their wedding day approaches, she finds herself thinking of what could have been. Did I give up on what I REALLY wanted too soon? Fearing that she’ll miss out on a chance of true love, Tanya gives in. But, the deep yearnings never end. The universe hears the inner cries of the life she wanted, as she prepares to take on a new life with Kenneth. Life eventually gives her want she truly wants but with a cost…Devastation! Thrown into dismay, Tanya finds herself starting over. Will the devastation be worth it? Or should she have been grateful for the “once in a lifetime love”? The third “diary entry” from the Heartbreak Diaries Book Series is Available NOW!  The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.   Picture this: Your email is filling up with junk. Irrelevant information, solicitations, scams, useless junk. You can't even get to the emails that are important due to the clutter. What do you do? Unsubscribe. You have to do that in life as well. We tend to humor people, conversations, and events that are of no interest and value to us. Why? Why do we give into the pressures of useless banter? The clutter stops today! Unsubscribe to people, places, and things that stress you out and doesn't serve you. You don't have to engage in gossip conversations just to belong. There's no need to listen to "frenemies" put you down because they feel inferior. Don't engage in the the small talk that irks your soul. It's okay to say "no thanks", "I'm not interested", or "I'll sit this one out". Your peace is worth more than pleasing those who are only thinking of themselves. You're not obligated to anything outside of what makes you happy and elevates you. It only clutters your mind, keeping you from the important passions that feeds your soul. Go on...PRESS THE BUTTON.  The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey. |
"I just like to write and create stuff. These are the diaries of how I'm living in NYC with sprinkles of life lessons I've learned along the way!"
- The Blakk Dahlia Latest book from the Heartbreak Diaries Book Series
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