 A healthy conversation inspired by the book, “Rushing to Distraction” (The Foolish Heart) HIM: “She knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship.” HER: “He knew I wanted to be with him and kept treating me like his girlfriend.”  Dating is tough. In current times, the “getting to know you” phase has turned into “Hey, let’s pretend we’re in a relationship…but you can’t claim me though”. Things move way too fast, resulting in developed feelings that are often hurt because nothing progresses. Girlfriend/boyfriend benefits are given without merit, while in the end…somebody will come to the conclusion that they aren’t ready. In most cases, it’s the man who initiates the conversations of “I’m not ready for what you want.” OR “It takes time for me to get there.” When spoken with genuine intentions, there’s nothing wrong with expressing the need to slow down on the emotion train. However, why would she play a role for weeks or months with no return on the investment? And his excuse, “She knew what it was.” But if we break this down logically, HE KNEW as well. Disclaimer: This blog isn’t to bash the male species. Just giving facts to induce healthy conversations. You don’t have to agree, but just know that WE ALL should pay attention to hints and red flags. Now that’s out of the way, let’s approach this one from a woman’s perspective, shall we?  Her Red Flags In today’s culture, women are charged with the responsibility of knowing the signs; recognizing red flags. What we’ve forgotten is that women can give off red flags too.
Instead of taking these as a warning sign, men tend to pick up on these vibes and use them to their advantage. Because at the end of the day, “I told her I didn’t want a relationship.” Well, she said that she wanted one. Shouldn’t he share the blame when sh*t hits the fan? To be fair, no woman should give her all when she’s not receiving what she deserves and desires. So, let’s not use this as an excuse to be foolish ladies. However, you’re not 100% responsible for allowing things to go too far. Because “He knew what it was, too!”  How Was She Supposed to Know? Yes, women tend to get ahead of themselves. Mentally planning an extravagant relationship after a few dates. Hearing what she wants to hear…the list can go on. But while he’s treating her like a girlfriend AND expecting boyfriend benefits, is she wrong for feeling like a relationship was on the horizon? He pursued her, he opened up to her, all of his time outside of work and with friends was spent with her, he expected intimacy (SEX), he did romantic things, called her pet names like “babe”, “sweetie”. But at the end of the day, that’s all it was and having a friend was satisfying to him. So, while he’s taking the memories as just that and moves on, she’s stuck with feelings that she didn’t ask for in the first place. In these scenarios, people would say, “Well he DID tell you he wasn’t ready.” Yes, it’s best to listen to the truths spoken. However, the actions didn’t align with what he “didn’t want”. Aren’t we supposed to pay attention to one’s actions versus their words?  Why Lie? How many times have we heard, “Men will say anything to get what they want.” ‘Tis true but why? Why lie just to get what you want out of a person? There are plenty of women who want a “no strings attached” type of relationship. But for some reason, hopeless romantics tend to end up with the guy who just isn’t ready. Lies can destroy everything. In many cases, women are lied to, to keep the facade going. Being that lies have to be told, shows that the man understands she wants to be with him, however, he had no plans on doing the same. So, subconsciously he saw the red flags, right? But he’s having such a great time that he’s not ready for it to end. (Yea, yea I know, women lie too!). Major Key: If you need to lie to get what you want you know you’re doing wrong. Just Leave Her the Hell Alone! “You know I was fine before you came into my life, right?” The chase. Oh, how we LOVE the chase! To women, it’s a sign of “Oh my God, this is it!”. To men, just another conquest to feed the male ego.  “Good morning beautiful” texts, communicating on the regular, almost begging to spend time with her. But that’s just the beginning actions. They don’t last, they tend to fizzle over time. In many cases, when she begins to return the gestures, emotions, and feelings, he backs away because he’s not ready. For some reason, once she’s into him, he realizes “Oops, I don’t want a relationship”. But she knew what it was. Wait…did he not know where things were headed? Why pull out when things are looking to get serious? Should have just left her alone in the first place.  I’m Sorry?!?! At the end of it all, there’s THE CONVERSATION. Women disguise it as closure but deep down, she’s trying one last time to convince him of her devotion. “Hopefully he’ll see how much I’m invested in this and he’ll change”. WRONG! I don’t even know why men engage in the ending conversation because all they have to offer is an "I’m sorry”. Initially, she doesn’t want to hear, “I’m sorry”. Those words aren’t satisfactory when her heart and hopes are crushed. Her time was wasted, she told and showed him what she wanted. “I’m sorry” doesn’t get that time back nor erase the feelings. “I’m sorry” doesn’t heal the pain of him knowing in the first place that he didn’t want to be with her but kept stringing her along.
 In each case, everyone should approach dating with honesty, realistic expectations, accountability, and respect. And most importantly, take your time. You don’t have to rush into the actions of relationship matters. Enjoy dating! To dive more into this concept, check out the book, Rushing to Distraction (The Foolish Heart), from the Heartbreak Diaries Book Series. What are your thoughts? Whether you agree or disagree, let’s have a healthy conversation! The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.
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Do You Stay Where You Are...Or Take a Risk to Try Again? Book Chat for the book, Devastation or Destiny???  The Gamble It's a crapshoot, in leaving "all you know" to venture out into the "unknown". In love, it's no different. Those who have left long-term relationships (for whatever reason) have jumped back into the dating world, only to find that they could have kept what they had. But, in a good moment, being in the right place at the right time, the Universe sprinkles that spark down on you placing you in fates hands. In the end, these moments reveal exactly why things didn't work out in the comfort zone of your heart. Have You Ever Settled for Love out of Fear? Everyone wants to love and to be in love. So much that they’ve accepted lowered standards or a life in which they didn’t desire, just to have that. In some cases, they live happily ever after. Although, there’s always that itch for something more, or what’s on the other side of that fear. We should never take “whatever” that is handed to us, due to the fear of being alone. The mind isn’t operating out a sense of self-awareness. It's in survival mode. And once in survival mode, you’ll do anything to hold on to that love. Even if it means a daily compromise of yourself with nothing in return.  In Devastation or Destiny???, Tanya was faced with a BIG curveball which led to the demise of her relationship. One that she felt would last forever. In losing something so major, piled on top of the pain, humiliation, and lowered self-esteem; she was faced with an opportunity to start over. Then, the opportunity to go back to the comfort zone presents itself leaving her with the decision of, “What life do I choose? The one I want, OR the one in which I know how the story will end.”  About Devastation or Destiny??? (The Settled Heart) Tanya found her happy ending, but it wasn’t the one she wrote. A lover of adventure and exploration found the heart of a hard-working traditional man. Kenneth is unwilling to take on her dreams, however, he gives the greatest love with no reservations. As their wedding day approaches, she finds herself thinking of what could have been. Did I give up on what I REALLY wanted too soon? Fearing that she’ll miss out on a chance of true love, Tanya gives in. But, the deep yearnings never end. The universe hears the inner cries of the life she wanted, as she prepares to take on a new life with Kenneth. Life eventually gives her want she truly wants but with a cost…Devastation! Thrown into dismay, Tanya finds herself starting over. Will the devastation be worth it? Or should she have been grateful for the “once in a lifetime love”? The third “diary entry” from the Heartbreak Diaries Book Series is Available NOW! The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey.  Picture this: Your email is filling up with junk. Irrelevant information, solicitations, scams, useless junk. You can't even get to the emails that are important due to the clutter. What do you do? Unsubscribe. You have to do that in life as well. We tend to humor people, conversations, and events that are of no interest and value to us. Why? Why do we give into the pressures of useless banter? The clutter stops today! Unsubscribe to people, places, and things that stress you out and doesn't serve you. You don't have to engage in gossip conversations just to belong. There's no need to listen to "frenemies" put you down because they feel inferior. Don't engage in the the small talk that irks your soul. It's okay to say "no thanks", "I'm not interested", or "I'll sit this one out". Your peace is worth more than pleasing those who are only thinking of themselves. You're not obligated to anything outside of what makes you happy and elevates you. It only clutters your mind, keeping you from the important passions that feeds your soul. Go on...PRESS THE BUTTON.  The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey. A New Season that Calls for Refocusing to Continue to Move Forward  Hot Girl Summer...seemed like it was NEVER going to end. We vacationed, we enjoyed the beach, danced at rooftop parties, and tried new things! The fun doesn't have to be over just because the weather is cooling off. Fall time is diving into the harvest. Fall festivals, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and so much more! However, in dabbling into watching the leaves paint beautiful pictures on trees, let's dive into refocusing on ourselves. While we put away those summer shorts, lets put away those bad habits we picked up during the hot days of summer. New seasons come around for a reason, and it serves as a pleasurable reminder for us to reassess our goals and realign us on the right path.  Make a list of what you want to accomplish this season: ~ What did I accomplish last season? ~ What am I doing now to move me forward? ~ What is cluttering my mind and throwing me off focus? ~ What small steps can I start taking? ~ What activities can I do without? And what can I replace these activities with that will help me reach my goals? As you list out these items, don't feel bad about yourself. You're taking inventory of what you need and what you can throw away. While refocusing, be sure to schedule in your self-care and a little reading time to keep your mind balanced. Don't fall into the myth of over-working yourself to success. "Feel Good Fall" is here and we are ready to step into a new season with our heads held HIGH!
Snippets from the "7-Day Guide to Forget About Your Heartbreak"This guide breaks down 7-Days of activities to get your mind refocused and help ease the frustrations of a heartbreak. Learn how to get back to YOU! Take care of you by refueling so that you can rejoin the world refreshed. Now go get over the heartbreak! You deserve it!  "Why Do I Need This Again?" Heartbreaks are unexpected and such a pain to get over. But it happens. It’s what you during the times of losing someone special that sets the tone of allowing the experience to make you better or bitter. Whether coming out of a dating situation or long-term relationship, adjustments are needed to get out of the mind frame of thinking like a couple to being okay with going about your days and nights…alone.  Meditation Monday. Free Your Mind! Mondays are deemed to be a drag. But they don’t have to be. Set your week in a new tone by starting a routine with taking care of the mind. As they say, wherever the head goes, the body will follow. By clearing your mind and regaining focus on what’s important, you make room for the positive vibes to freely flow. Giving in to the Monday blues will only allow the thoughts/feelings of your broken heart to make its way into your head.  Tacos and Talk Tuesday. Eat Your Heart Out with a Friend! Heartbreaks can make you become reclusive. You don’t want to talk to anyone, see anyone, the world is shut out, and all you want to do is sit at home in bed, listening to your sad love song playlist. SNAP OUT OF THAT! Create an evening event where you catch up with a friend(s) over tacos. Because hey, who doesn’t like tacos? (If your friend isn’t excited about Taco Tuesday, let them go. You don’t need that type of negativity in your life! j/k).  Wisdom Wednesday. Elevate Your Knowledge! You gotta keep your mind sharp. Why not devote a Wednesday evening to quenching that thirst for knowledge. Spend some alone time learning. Refuel our mind with knowledge and new conversation pieces with stepping outside of your normal gossip blog trolling. If you like trolling blogs, troll blogs that will help build your business OR blogs that will help you on your mediation Mondays. Anything that will feed you spiritually and/or intellectually.  Throw it Out Thursday. Delete and Delete! Now it’s time to PURGE your phone! Along with social media, you can get caught up in scrolling through past photos of dates nights, random selfies, and those candid shots of him you took when he wasn’t looking. All of it is a recipe for reminiscing and wondering what could have been. You can’t move on with your life revisiting the past. It’s time to move those “souvenirs” out of sight. You gotta put away any reminders of “him” that will try to control your emotions. You can’t even find that funny meme you screenshot weeks ago because pictures of you and him are in the way. Free up that phone data!  Fearless Friday. Time to Go For It! We all have a road not taken or something that we’ve always wanted to do, but afraid to take that first step. Today is the day you move forward with courage. JUST START IT ALREADY! Take on the challenge of being fearless and do what you’ve been scared to do.  Sweat it Out Saturday. Weekend Work! Yep, you knew it was coming. Time to work out! Sweat out the pain, bad memories, and heartbreak with a 30 mins to an hour session moving and challenging the body. Give your heart a break and go to bed with aching limbs instead. Saturdays are great for running errands, catching up on shows, and sleeping in. But you have to spend time working on your body. No pain, no gain right?  Self Care Sunday. Get Your Glow Back! Wind down your week with pampering yourself. From head to toe, give your body some much-needed nourishment with beauty regimens often skipped due to work, daily life, and other stuff that gets in the way. Sunday is about filling your body with the nutrients needed to provide you with a glow on the inside and out. Ending the week on a relaxing note can get your mind ready for meditation and moving on.
Learn self-building ways to forget about past relationships by starting healthy new routines for the mind and the body! The full guide is FREE for email subscribers! Sign up Here.  The Blakk Dahlia (E. Alexcina Brown) is a New York City author/blogger from Macon, GA. Recently, she released the book series, the Heartbreak Diaries outlining different perspectives of heartbreak. The Dahlia Diaries is a lifestyle blog penned by The Blakk Dahlia, sharing her story in NYC along with life lessons and tips she's learned in her journey. |
Photo Credit: Joe Miles
"I just like to write and create stuff. These are the diaries of how I'm living in NYC with sprinkles of life lessons I've learned along the way!"
- The Blakk Dahlia Latest book from the Heartbreak Diaries Book Series
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